Lent

From birth to age 16 I was Methodist, African Methodist Episcopal to be exact. There were things about it that I loved and that stay with me to this very day. And, naturally, there were things that frustrated me—hence 16 years of attending other churches. But today I am re-thinking the traditional denominational church and a whole lot of other stuff.

Around this time of year the church I grew up in was getting ready for “The Lenten Season”. I knew that meant the 40 days leading up to Easter, beginning on Ash Wednesday, but you better believe that was all I knew. I had friends who were Catholic or Presbyterian or something who would “give up” something for Lent, but I had no idea what that was all about either. Then, as I got older I realized that Mardi Gras was about “getting it all out” of your system before Lent started the next day. It all seemed so bizarre to me, so utterly ridiculous and pointless. I never really talked to anyone who could explain it to me, so I dismissed it as another useless, meaningless traditional Christian exercise to try to make believers feel like they were worthy or something. Poo, poo. End of story-until last weekend.

As I’ve said before, I have set out upon a journey of self-discovery that involves unpacking, re-examining, and challenging many things that I have considered my “beliefs”. It’s a risky journey because, to do this wholeheartedly, I must be prepared to ultimately abandon some ideas that have been comfortable to hold on to, or that have helped me fit comfortably into a group. My hope is to discover my core beliefs, not as they have been passed down to me, but those which most truly reflect my views of God, of mankind, of self. Arguably it is a philosophical journey, but for me it is deeply spiritual, if the two can truly be distinguished. Oh, last weekend…

I felt like something was calling me back to my traditional roots. While the nondenominational church I’ve been attending has things about it that appeal to me, it is doctrinally conservative in some areas that are hard for me accept, namely it in its treatment of women. I react strongly to reading scripture through a sexist lens because if I am convinced of nothing else, it is that the God of the universe loves women and values them equally (not just nominally as I often feel is the case with conservative Christianity). Digressing again….sorry. Like I said, re-thinking a lot of stuff today.

Anyway, I felt like I wanted to taste something more familiar, maybe because of the season that’s approaching. I decided to go visit a Lutheran church. To a degree, it was a pretty random choice of denomination except that I did a little research to confirm my suspicion that they, at the very least, ordained women. This was good enough for me, for the moment so off I went. It was very traditional. Even the “contemporary” service I attended. But somehow the liturgies and the peace-passing touched me in a way that reminded me of moments in the Methodist church that took my breath away. The communication was more than reading the printed text. The words came alive and stirred something in me. I’m still processing just what that was, but it made me aware of a longing for more…of whatever that was.

At the end of the service the pastor introduced Lent in a way I could understand, by addressing the children. She called the kids to the front of the church and took down a banner that said Alleluia. She said, “Kids, today we are packing away the Alleluia”, as she folded the banner into a painted purple box, locked it and sent a girl to carry it out of the sanctuary. She went on to explain that the Alleluia banner came out during Advent (the period leading up to Christmas) and that it was a celebratory reminder of Christ’s coming and that now we were entering into Lent when we take the time to reflect on what things would be like for us if Christ hadn’t come and died. Hmmmmm? Lent? Reflecting upon life in a fallen world without redemption? All of a sudden the black and purple drapes in the church, the ashes on Wednesday, the mourning all made sense. I know there’s more to it than that, but this little bit was enough to set me on a course for the next 40 days.

I have decided that there’s no better time than Lent for me to be deliberate about giving up some things to make time and space to really consider my faith. There are some tough questions that I am wrestling with that I have only told a few people about. I guess it grieves me that I fear asking questions about my own faith for fear of being labeled as an infidel, backslider, blasphemer or ….GOD forbid, liberal (LOL)! I don’t know. I don’t know where I’ll find myself on Easter Sunday. I’m daring to question things like:

*How is it that when Israel kills and mutilates their enemies and says that their God told them to do it, it’s ok? But when Islam or others kill in the name of God they are barbarians?

*If Christ’s sacrifice is sufficient to cover my sin, what gives Christians the right to pick out issues in others that apparently have a higher redemption threshold?

*Was redemption finished at the cross or not?

*For whom? All who believe? A select few? All mankind?

*If for all mankind, what is the extent of the implications?

*What if God is tolerant?

*Is there any hope of redemption without Christ?

There was a time when a well-defended answer to these questions would have rolled off of my tongue authoritatively. But what if I was wrong? What if I am wrong? What if what I’ve told others is wrong? What if there is no right or wrong answer to some of these? What if there are many?

I’ve been scared to ask a lot of these questions for fear that I’ll wake up one day and decide not be a Christian any longer. But, I’m at the point where I believe that to continue to truly consider myself a Christian I must truly try my faith. Abandonment is the risk I must take.

I solicit the prayers of all who love me during this season. If all you can pray is, “Lord, Lexi has lost her mind. Set her straight!” then never mind. For those who can pray with restraint and trust, please pray that I may meet and know God in a way I never have before.

I hope to be able to share my journey and discuss it in this community.

Shalom.

My Idol

ACE YOUNG

OK. Here's my American Idol pick. I don't care what he sounds like or even if he bombs from here on out. I wanna get to look at this guy for the next however many weeks there are left this season. Just in case you were wondering about my taste should I ever decide to explore foreign territory...Here he is! Birkenstock Man! Yummy.

Feel free to make this pic your desktop background. I did.

On My Own

I don't know why I am always surprised when I go out on my own and have a great time. I think my work is getting into my head too much. I covered the bases by letting folks know where I was and checked in when I got home and it was fine. Watch out! I'm on a roll now!

I went to Jokes on Us last night, all by myself, and it was fun. It was the much needed diversion. The radio station sponsoring last night's even was a classic rock station, so you can imagine the feel, but the headliner was hilarious! (Can we get a dialogue going on race and comedy...honestly, I think this is where it becomes genetic.)

I got a free ticket for tonight. SOOOOOOOO I'm calling the bluff of everyone who said (either on the comments or elsewhere) that Friday would be a better night. Let's go!!! And, I was home by 10:45, so you can still go and do whatever people do that late on a Friday night. (Church girl activity: uh, go to IHOP?) LMBO!!!

I want to play Bid Whist! Any takers? I'm a great teacher! I'll have you bidding like a pro in 4 hands or less!

Let's have some fun!

And if FREE is the only option, I have 4 movies that need to go back to Blockbuster next week: I (heart) Huckabees, Under the Tuscan Sun, Mr. and Mrs. Smith, and another one I can't remember. I have chips and salsa and guacamole (of course) and chili in the freezer. Oh, and homemade lentil soup (vegetarian- for my calorie conscious blogger) LOL.

What's doin'?

Let's Try This Again

OK! I'm serious this time folks! I need suggestions for diversion this weekend. I thought I'd give you a one-day heads up this time.

I am realizing that I have a tendency to laugh off or be cynical about things that aren't that easy to talk about, or at least about things that you don't want to say because you don't want to hurt someone's feelings. So, instead of joking about being drained, approaching burn out, and reaching my limits on crisis management, I'll just say it:

"I'm drained, approaching burn out, and reaching my limits on crisis management." There. No giggles, no LOLs, no apologies.

And I say it with conflicting sentiment. I love the work that I do and am super-passionate about the issue of sexual assault, particularly child sexual abuse. I adore and am so grateful for the circles of wonderful people who have shared their stories and are sharing their lives with me. I am undone by your pain and your courage to share, grieve and try to move forward. And, I am tired. I MUST learn to do self-care much more intentionally or I will crash and burn in this field in no time. I've got to get some better boundaries around this issue and particularly around "saving the world" in general. I need some help with this! Heeeeeeeelllllpppp!!!!

The funny thing is that the church has taught us that bad boundaries and not being willing to sacrifice every drop of yourself for someone else is selfish and unChrist-like. That's foolishness. Jesus had awesome boundaries. Don't you remember the scriptures where he was like, "See ya! I'm out!" Check your King James carefully...It may have gotten lost in translation.

Well, I'm not saying, "I'm out!" Just, "I need to GO out!" I need ideas. I've been cooped up in church trying to be the perfect pastor's wife (translation: no life of my own) for 9 years. The pump needs some priming. I love salsa, but lack both daring and capable friends and dance partners. To be honest, I couldn't careless about the capable ones, just someone willing to have a good time. Hello?!?!??!?!?

And, contrary to popular belief, diversion for me does not require my companions' use of a Spanish-English dictionary. I can do anglophone stuff too. Really, I can! I sound like I'm whining. I guess I am at this point. I'm about to check the Washington Post Entertainment Guide. (See how desperate I'm getting.) So, please, let me know what's going on. Tell me about your friend's cousin's friend whose having a thing and that place over there. That'll get me started. LOL.

If I don't find something fun and relaxing (with company) I'm going to end up not being any good to anyone. Especially myself.

Suggestions?

Desperately Seeking Diversion

My job is dealing with sexual assault all day long. This has been some week. I need a diversion.

I need something totally silly, fun and carefree to do tonight and for the rest of the 3 day weekend. Oh....and cheap! Skiing's out for me this weekend. Gotta pay the tax accountant. (see why I need a break!)

I'm soliciting suggestions! I wanna go dancing. Any takers? Any more mindless suggestions?

If I don't get ideas, there's always Austin Grill happy hour that starts at 2pm. I'm trying to avoid this option, ok?