Doing What I Do Best

Warning: Compulsives, beware. This post desperately needs an edit. But I'm off to bake cookies. Deal.

• I'm procrastinating. I should be baking now if I'm ever going to be done by Christmas. I've finished chocolate chip cookies (with and without pecans), oatmeal scotchies (nuts and not), pistachio lime cookies, a couple of oreo cheesecakes and... that's it for now. I think I'm up to about 50 dozen, I think. Maybe less. I ate a couple.
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• I upgraded my Firefox. I now get red lines to let me know I've misspelled words, even in Blogger. Yay.
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• Charlie Brown Christmas is on. I hate all of these shows: Rulolf, Frosty, Great Pumpkin. All of them. I don't think they're so bad. I've just seen them all and I never want to see them again. Kids are so screwed if they get stuck with me as a mom. Poor things.
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• I hate my bank. Either debit cards are Satan, or my bank gets a kick out of stealing money from me. To make a long story short, I spent all of the money in my checking account shopping for baking stuff Friday night. I deposited 2 checks at the ATM Saturday night. The bank "held" the money from the deposit and therefore drew overdraft fees for 5 of my Friday night purchase. They only want to refund 2 of them. They stole $90 from me for no reason. Who has $90 to throw down the drain at Christmas time? Fuckers! I hate them. I want to change banks, but only after the D. I want a clean slate. Note to self: ONLY use the DEBIT function. Choosing CREDIT costs you money because your credit union gets its jollies off of stealing your money in $28 increments.
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• I've been at my job now for a little over a year. It's time to ask for a raise. I've never, ever done this in my life. The last time my boss and I discussed my utter inability to live off of my current salary without working a second job, she informed me that I'm at the top of my pay scale, and that an increase would put me into the same range as the attorney's salary. That sounds like the attorney's problem to me. Right? What does it have to do with me that the attorney agreed to work for chickenshit? I know we're a non-profit and all. But hello????
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• All bets are off on the fitness business. I was hoping to make a major milestone in the whole weight loss arena. But, my house is filled with sweet, yummy goodness. And I haven't been to the gym in 2 weeks. I'm too busy getting fat. I'll fix it in January. I know I suck. You can say so.
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• My dad wanted to share a Bible verse with me that mattered to him last week. I had to resist the impulse to knock the Bible out of his hand. Hmmm? This could be an issue, huh? I'm not really surprised by my impulse. Just putting in public for all of you to witness my depravity. Hell, here I come.
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• Speaking of going to hell...I don't do old people. I attribute this solely and completely to utter selfishness. I am annoyed by how slowly they tell a story, get to the point, speak, re-tell the same story you just heard, re-get to the same point they just got to and...you get my point. If nothing else secures my place in hell, I'm sure this does. What are they keeping me from as the drag on and on and on torturing me with their incessant, dawdling chatter? Nothing. Just something else I'd rather be doing. Translation: selfishness. I really need help.
  
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• My Granny is 88 (or 89, she and the 1920 census disagree). I love her. I don't spend nearly as much time with her as I should. Truth be told, I don't spend any time with her. She called to make sure I'd be there for Christmas. Of course I'll be there, since you called personally. What am I supposed to say, "nah, I'll catch you next year?" I don't think so. The Granny part had little to do with me going to hell except that she is old. I don't feel about her as I do for old people generally, but something keeps me away. She tells funny stories. I'll miss her dearly if she passes. I better get this together. I have a friend who could spend all day sitting and talking to her grandmother. I admire her. I'm too selfish. What a lovely Christmas thought.
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• Charlie Brown is still invading my television. Why don't the adults say words? That's how I feel when old people are talking to me. I mean, that's what it sounds like after about 3.67 minutes.
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• I really need to be in the kitchen.
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• I've been blogging for a whole year now. Sometimes I feel more introspective than others. I've enjoyed those moments, but I really like these posts when I just tell you what I really think.
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• I'm going to a Christmas party on the 23rd. I'm really looking forward to it. I'm so glad not to be spending the days leading up to Christmas organizing my church's annual dinner for the homeless. We took hot meals to the streets of DC every single Christmas morning of my marriage. It stopped being selfless and admirable after year 3 because after that I bitched and moaned about it the whole time. Hell. I know. My new addy.
  
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• I saw my dad the other day and he goes, "Lexi, you look a lot less stressed that you have the past couple of months. Are you getting some?" You've really gotta love my parents! I guess I left the door open for that with the whole "blowing the mechanic" thing. I guess I'm not "daddy's little girl" anymore.
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• My parents asked me for a Christmas wish list this year. First time since I was a kid. I decided to be cheeky. Since they asked what I wanted, I told them. I used to hold back when my parents asked me about needing money or wanting stuff. But I stuck it to them this year. They can always laugh at me and call me nuts. I asked for the Zune Mp3 player. My dad is so cute. He tries to keep up with the times (although he still says 'bumpin'') but he has not clue what an mp3 player is. He finally broke down and asked. Notice that none of the descriptions of them on line bother to mention what it exactly is. He's so cute.
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• I hate cheesecake. I don't really know when this happened, because it hasn't always been this way. But there's nothing appealing about it for me anymore. It actually repulses me a little. I guess that's a good thing. Now if I could only develop a repulsion to all else but carrots and hay I'd be in business.
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• I will make at least one batch of dough tonight. I will make at least one batch of dough tonight. I will get up off of my fat ass and make at least one batch of dough tonight.
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• My mom just called me to tell me that one of her friend's sister died. I said I was sorry. My mom gets so worked up when people die. What else am I supposed to say? I knew her, but not like that. I think it was more of an FYI call. Do you know how many of her friends I've killed and resurrected. I can never remember who's dead and who's alive. Scary thought that half your parents' friends have died.
  
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• My intern's cousin's 8 month old baby died Saturday. Now that got to me.
  
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• I watched this guy beat the living crap out of his girlfriend while she was driving her car today. I know that he was her boyfriend because that's what the cop (who I called) told me after he finished investigating the incident. The guy told me to mind my fucking business. Naturally. I'm sorry, America. If you ever see a man pounding me in the face, ever, PLEASE call the police if you're (like me) too scared to intervene yourself. This girl didn't want to press charges. No surprise to me, but at least the punk had to walk home. Asshole. And at least she has an incident report should she ever need to build a case against the jerk in the future. She was thankful. I hope she gets away from him safely, for good. Would you have called the police?
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• I don't want to end on that note, but I'm all out of ideas. I've unloaded all of my random thoughts on you.

What a boring post. I'll find my mo-jo again. Really.

Going to the Chapel and We're Gonna Get Married....

OK, now that the cat is out of the bag (see comments from post below) I can fill you all in on the 15 reasons why I’m going to marry Andy of From the Outside and have his children.

1. He’s white. Yeah, that’s right. I said it. I’m not sure what kind of sandals he wears, but he’s close enough to my Birkenstock Man for government work. Do you guys remember when I swore off brothers? Problem solved.
2. He cooks. Now, what women alive wouldn’t jump at the chance to get hitched to a man who knows his way around the kitchen? At least I know that on the nights I just don’t feel like cooking, I’m not sentenced to take-out, necessarily. Back off, Ladies. He's MINE.
   
3. He has super-high metabolism. And I hope like hell I catch it.
4. He’s handy. Honey-do list, here we go. He’s already been broken in by the women in his office. And even if he’s not really broken in, he already blogged about how to get whatever I want out of him (something about asking as opposed to "bitching, moaning and complaining"). So, hey, I know the secret. No, wait, that's carrot cake.
5. He’s an IT guy. Look, I know women who have actually dated guys with no email address. YES. In 2006. So, rather than getting stuck with one of those losers, I thought I better cash in on this catch. Besides, he can tweak the hell out of my blog. Oooooh BABY!!!
6. He gets women. He has acquired the keenest sense of how the world revolves (read: around US!). So, yeah. Can’t pass that up.
7. He’s so intelligent. There’s so much I stand to learn from the depths of his infinite wisdom.
8. And, in that infinite wisdom, he knows who to suck up to. That's right! No matter who gets the short end of the stick, this guy's gonna keep bringing home the bacon. Cut-throat, save your ass, sink your friends...just keep bringin' home that check. I'll buy the Chapstick.
   
9. He is secure in his place in the universe. There's nothing like a man who gets that women are, in fact, the superior gender. Eureka! I'm telling you, he needs to teach classes!!
   
10. He's a rock star! Show me one woman who doesn't love a bass player. Didn't think so.
11. He's loaded. OK, so my sequencing doesn't accurately reflect my priorities. Shoot me.
    
12. He knows what to do with the feather. Didn't thinkI'd leave that one out, did you?
13. He knows that life is really about the little things. Whoa. That one was geniune. How'd that get in there?
14. He appreciates fine poetry. Girls, stand in line to have him recite this one to you. Whew. I know. Here, you can use my paper fan.
    
15. And finally, despite the fact that he only scored a B- on an 8th grade math test and probably won't be the one to help the kids with their homework, he's still got lessons to pass on to the youngins!! I think I'll even chance reproduction.

Now, I know the haters are lining up to spew their venom in my direction. Back off!! Hate, though you might, this one is mine. Isn't he dreamy?

Dare me, do you?

Keep the NERD Comments to Yourself

You Passed 8th Grade Math

Congratulations, you got 10/10 correct!

Could You Pass 8th Grade Math?

I'm sorry, I must update my language to keep up with my nephew. It's "Geek Squad" these days. Not "nerd". Sorry.

Now, if the LSAT were only that easy!

More Holiday Stuff

I stole this from Confessions of a Geeky Blogger.. Since it's about my favorite subject at this most wonderful time of the year, I've decided to do my own.

Holiday MeMe:

1. Egg Nog or Hot Chocolate? I like both of them to be around. They're just supposed to be there. But I really am not a fan of egg nog. It's too thick and sweet for me. If there's enough booze, I tolerate it, but I don't like drinks that go down thick. Same for hot chocolate. I need it to be the real kind that you use real cocoa powder in and cook on the stove...and again, not too thick and sweet. I'm much more a hot spiced cider chick...or hot buttered rum!!

2. Does Santa wrap presents or just sit them under the tree? As a kid he just sat them under the tree, until we started to get older and the number of gifts dwindled tremendously. Then he started to wrap them to add some excitement I guess. When I play Santa, I always wrap. I LOVE wrapping presents.

3. Colored lights on tree/house or white? Depends on my mood. I really love crazy bright colored lights, half flashing, one strand not, all confusing so that when you sit and look at the tree you have to try to figure out what's going to blink next (or not). I've tried to do the all white Target style tree....Yawn!!!

4. Do you hang mistletoe? I will this year! Hehe.

5. When do you put your decorations up? Ummm? When I buy them. I would have had them up by now if I had remembered to claim them in the separation, but since I'm starting from scratch...it'll go up this weekend.

6. What is your favorite holiday dish? Ambrosia. My family is the only one I know that makes it right. Must have nuts, must have marichino cherries, must not have marshmallows or canned mandarin oranges. Yuk!!

7. Favorite Holiday memory as a child: Climbing into mom and dad's bed to wake them up and beg to go downstairs to see what Santa brought. I did this last when I was 24.

8.When and how did you learn the truth about Santa? *sigh* I never believed in Santa. But I'm trying to correct my waywardness in my adult years.

9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve? Nope. We did this once or twice, but I don't like it. Torn wrapping paper goes with jammies!!

10. How do you decorate your Christmas tree? Color. Color. Color. I want a crazy tree this year. No theme stuffiness.

11. Snow! Love it or Dread it? Love It :)

12. Can you ice skate? Yep. Now, can I stop? Hmmm?

13. Do you remember your favorite gift? Nope. I love gifts. Doesn't matter what. I'm easy to please.

14. What's the most important thing about the Holidays for you? Giving to the people I love.

15. What is your favorite holiday dessert? Carrot cake and Thumbprints and chocolate chip cookies.

16. What is your favorite holiday tradition? Sleigh bells that my uncle used to ring right before handing out gifts. This will be our second Christmas without him.

17. What tops your tree? Angel. She used to twinkle. Mommy said I would twinkle too if I had that big tree up my skirt. I never knew what she meant. I do now!! [wink wink]. Don't you just love her? I need to tell more Gerri stories here.

18. Which do you prefer giving or Receiving? Giving ;) And not just at Christmastime either. Whaaat????

19. What is your favorite Christmas Song? These are the Special Times. I prefer the Celine Dion version, but this is the one I found:


20. Candy Canes! Yuck or Yum? Yum!!! But the rainbow-cherry ones are the bestest.

My Most Embarrassing Moment

I went to a private party Saturday night at a popular club here in D.C. When you walked into the main room there were about 3 stairs to walk down to get onto the dance floor and into the main bar area. On the way down the tip of my left boot got caught in my right pant leg. When I tripped my arms went straight out to the sides and I just knew I was about to make an unforgettable entrance into this party. But I saved it. I have no idea how, but I did. There were so many people there and everyone would have been able to see my flying leap down the stairs had someone gracious and powerful not spared me what was working up to being the most embarrassing moment of my life.

But since I didn't get a new most embarrassing moment, I'll tell you about the reigning one. I used to be a part of a youth ministry that actually did some pretty good things in the community. We organized a clothing drive at RFK Stadium (the real home of the Redskins) on Saturday afternoon. It was a pretty big deal. A local radio station came out and broadcast from the event. Many of the people in the community came out and got some really nice things for absolutely free. (I can't tell you how hard it was to resist setting a couple of designer outfits with the tags still on aside for myself. I resisted. For the most part.)

Anyway, my job was to secure the venue. To do so I needed to meet with the head of the facilities department to request a permit to have the events on the grounds. The meeting had been scheduled for weeks and this was the most significant "meeting" I had ever really had in my 21 or so years. It was in the heat of July, so I was careful to pick the right outfit and make sure my hair was just right and everything else in place before I left. My bangs were not cooperating, so I threw one roller in them to make sure that by the time of the meeting every hair fell just perfectly.

I got to the stadium and met with Mr. Brown. Everything went splendidly. He was very supportive of our event and gladly passed me a contract to sign. We hammered out all of the details regarding times, power supply, permits, etc. He was a really nice guy. We joked about quite a few things (I can't remember what now) and then he walked me to my car. I was supposed to call him back with one detail I couldn't answer during the meeting, so I assured him that I'd get back to him before close of business.

I got in the car and breathed a sigh of relief, because this event all hinged on this permit. This guy could make or break our event and it was up to me to convince him to let these kids to put on their "do-gooder" production in the stadium parking lot. I managed and I was both proud and relieved. When I got home I ran upstairs to my bedroom and picked up the phone to call my boyfriend at the time (ministry director and yes, the ex) to tell him the good news. While I was talking to him something in the mirror caught my eye. Something about my reflection that was just not right. In fact, it was yellow. Bright yellow. A bright yellow HAIR ROLLER. The damn roller was still in my hair. I had completely forgotten to take it out so that the bangs could fall just right. I wanted to die!!!!

What was worse was that I still needed to call Mr. Brown back. I think he called me before I could get up the nerve to call him. We settled whatever the remaining issue was and.... oh, I remember what we were joking about now... We were joking about him wanting to meet a representative from our organization face to face because he has had too many "ghetto" events and he wasn't looking forward to another one. Well, when we finished our business I asked him how and why he didn't bother to mention that I had a FREAKING ROLLER in my hair, especially with all the conversation about ghetto-ness!! He laughed and said that he thought it was cute. I did not!! I'm so glad he had a sense of humor, but I was mortified.

I've yet to top that one.

Wanna share embarrassing moments?