I Switched...Successfully, I Think

I switched to the new blogger today. I was terrified that some typical Bloggerness would go down and I'd lose everything, but it looks like I've safely crossed over.

Now my head hurts because I copied and pasted all 143 posts on this blog into Word before the switch. I just rolled the dice with the other 2 blogs.

I'm going to rest my eyes now.

8 Goals for the New Year

At 4 am when I was lurking around on all of my blog pals' blogs, I had all these ideas of what to write about today. Now, I gots nothin'. Should have just stayed up. Some of my most honest stuff comes out with sleep deprivation.

So, it's the new year. I've been thinking of some goals for this year, no resolutions. I suck at sticking to things. So here are a few of them, along with some anecdotal stuff so that you get why it matters to me at all. If I bore you to tears, come back at 4:30 am, I'm bound to have better stuff to say then.

Oh, before I tell you my goals...My girlfriend A and I have had some rough years in similar ways recently. At the end of each year we came up with a cheesy slogan to sum up that year. Here are a couple, along with our projection for 2007.

Can't Take No More in 2004
Got out Alive in 2005
Trying to Pick up the Sticks in 2006
A Little Taste of Heaven in 2007

OK, now some stuff I hope to accomplish in 2007:

1. Join a book club. My brother and sister-in-law kicked this idea around with me yesterday. We've decided that our brains are going to turn to mashed potatoes without deliberate stimulation. So, I think we're going to do a book club. My brother is not big into fiction, so we're going to alternate fiction and non-fiction. I need a list of suggestions for either. Tell me if you have ideas. I want to read Freakonomics for some reason. Has anybody read this? Any thoughts?
2. Return to my life's trajectory pre-Ex. This is a pretty pathetic story, but it occurred to me yesterday and I cried. I was a junior in college. No, let me back up. I remember being 16 and having tremendous frustrations about my church. I remember feeling like a revolutionary, like things needed to change, like I was the one to effect such change. So I left my church. (Yeah, revolutionary, right?) Then I became Pentecostal. That wasn't revolutionary, just stupid. By junior year of college, I had realized how stupid it was. Met Ex. He directed a youth ministry. It was pretty radical at the time. I liked that. I like him. It connected with my revolutionary spirit with regard to this church business. Big let down...it was more of the same old church mess all mixed up with Pentecostal mess. But, somehow it or he was enough for me to do a complete about face with regard to my life's plans. I was walking across campus early one morning to my Constitutional Law class. I passed in front of McKeldin Library and the big bronze statue of Testudo, our mascot. I rubbed his nose for luck, I think. At that precise moment I made a terrible decision that has cost me a lot of time and heartache. I decided that if I were going to be the wife of a minister, there was no time for me to focus on law school. And, since it "obviously" wasn't in the cards for me to go to law school, there was certainly no point in suffering through con law. I turned left, went to the Mitchell building and withdrew from the class. This was the day I lost my identity in his. I stopped defining myself in terms of me, always in terms of him: Ex's girlfriend; Ex's wife; Ex's assistant pastor. Ex's backbone and puppet-master, some would argue, but still in terms of him. I look back on that decision and I'm sad about it. It hurt to be able to pinpoint so clearly the day I chose to die and live in the shadow of a man. But, as much as I thought I'd feel overwhelming regret about it, I don't. I'm studying for the LSAT. I work at a law firm. My boss (Harvard Law) is super supportive of me going to law school and thinks I'd make a great lawyer. I was worried for a while that my decision to think about going to law school was just the next thing on Lexi's endless and always changing list of things she starts and never finishes. But as I reflect on how I got off track in the first place, I'm more confident than ever that I'm doing the right thing. The right thing for me, for a change. So, send me your neurons as I study for the LSAT, please. I'm not confident enough to take it in February, but I hope to be ready by June.
3. Get this damned divorce finalized already. Maryland makes is so hard. There are so many hoops to jump through. At first I didn't want to mention anything here about it, for fear that my plans will get back to him somehow (you know--dodging service of process or something). But now I don't care. The papers are coming dammit. Sign them and let's get this over with, will ya? I wish you all the best in your future endeavors, by the way.
   
4. Lose 57.2 pounds. I'm gonna do this. Check in on me on Fine Tuning from time to time. I can't believe I've told the world how much I weigh, but hey, I've told you much worse on this blog. Who cares?
5. Release the resentment I have towards "church goers". I've decided that my angst is not with Christians so much as it is the group of "church goers" who check their brains at the doors of the church, yet think they've got it all figured out because "the pastor said" or because "the Bible said". Those are the ones who make me want to scream. I've done some pinpointing of the issues I'm frustrated with and I'll elaborate on that on Unpacking Faith. Suffice it to say that I'm going to go to church Sunday to see if I can make it through the whole service without wanting to scream or pull out my hair. Just an experiment. No resolutions, goals or promises about going back to church. I just need to test the waters to see where I am.
6. Spend more time with my family. I really love those folks. But I put them through hell over the last couple of years as I went on a tirade, digging up and exposing family secrets. As much as I needed to know the truth about some things (and tell the truth about some things) my timing might not have been ideal for everyone else involved. Regardless of how everybody feels about me at the moment, I love them more as a result of the whole shebang. I had good times with mom and dad last year. The year before I didn't want to see them. (You know therapy makes you hate your parents for a least a good year.) I love them all so much and although I let many, many cats out of bags and bones out of closets I feel much better around them all. I love you guys. I feel like you finally know me and that's all that matters, to me at least.
7. Make more money and manage it better. This is an ongoing struggle, but I hope to get better with this this year. My boss initiated the raise conversation, but my Exec. Dir. is out on maternity leave. We'll see what happens when everyone's back in the office. The holidays wrecked any progress I'd made in money management. Good thing there were 3 checks in December. Hey, it's a goal. Get off my back.
8. Get re-acquainted with good music. This little number will help. It will also help me watch less TV. I'm also open to suggestions on this one. Andy sent me You Sexy Thing by Hot Chocolate. Everyone must have that song in his/her collection. Aw, I think this is "our" song. [blush, blush]
   
   

So that's it for me for this year. Nothing too unattainable. I don't think there's any place where I'm "being to0 hard on myself" as I've been told I am, often. Maybe you see things differently. Let me know.

I'll remember the funny stories later. I haven't been awake long enough yet.

2006 Closeout (UPDATED with Spoiler)

I have the next 9 days off. What a way to bring in the New Year. I get to relax, reflect and do only the things I want to do for the next week and a weekend. It doesn't get much better than this.

I've had a lot going on as this year has drawn to a close. Until last night, my place looked like a cyclone hit it. Every dish in my house was dirty, there were bowls of dried batter, cake frosting and God knows what else. It was gross and too big of a job for me to tackle, so I ignored it all week long.

I knew I wanted to start vacation with a clean slate this morning so last night I demonstrated the ultimate, utter laziness imaginable. I hired Katrice's kids to clean it for me. Man, what kids will do for money. They agreed to help me before they saw the actual project. I fully expected them to bow out once they cast their eyes upon my scuzz, but despite their repulsion, they wanted the cash. Let me tell you, that was the best $40 I've ever spent in my life. My kitchen sparkles today. What's better is that since they handled the kitchen, I got to clean up the rest of the apartment. It feels like home again, not like Santa's bakeshop gone amuck. I feel like I have a nice soothing place to relax and enjoy my vacation.

Now, speaking of vacation. I'm going to try to take time to breathe, relax, reflect on this past year and set some goals for next year. I'll start back in the gym since the holidays have done what they do to my routine and regimen. I'll try to spend time with myself a little more and get a little more settled within on a couple of issues that are still more unsettling for me than I'm comfortable with. More on those as I reflect. You might have to check Unpacking Faith though, since some of those issues are particular to that journey I'm chronicling over there.

I've got some Christmas pics, as promised. A few of my favorite things. All food.


Turnip greens. OK, I'm not the biggest fan of turnip greens, I prefer collards or kale, but these are great as long as I don't have to eat the turnips. It's funny how you usually can't get kids to eat veggies, but sit a black kid down in front of some greens and see what happens.




Rice. We're a rice and gravy family. Not mashed potatoes. I've tried a couple of times to slip some taters on the table, but somebody always brings the rice. It goes with the brisket and gravy that my uncle makes. A couple of us (the kids) have sat at granny's feet long enough to make a decent brisket. But Uncle Ed's rocks.


Do you know what these are? Hint: there's a vinegar bottle to the left of the bowl and to the right you can see the red top of the hot sauce bottle. Any guesses?


SPOILER: Click for the answer.



Here's the whole spread.






And here's Ed's brisket.







This is my plate. My fork is pointing to what is left of my first helping of the stuff you're supposed to be trying to identify.





And this is the shot NO one is supposed to take. Ever. A fat girl eating.






I'll spare you all my plumber shot. My brother took a picture of me opening gifts on Christmas Eve. Apparently with as much ass as I have, it's completely insensitive to draft. It seems he sat right behind me and took the pic. I never knew he was there, but it was baaaaaaaad. Let's just say there's something to be said for granny panties. I better pick up a few.

So, 20 smooches to whoever gets Name That Pic right. And, one question in the interest of diversity. Do other people take pictures of food (and caskets) or is that just a black folk thing?

I have really enjoyed meeting all of you wonderful people this year. And as 2006 comes to a close I wish you all joy, peace, love and the abundant richness of all that means the most to you in the coming year.

Peace.

Christmas Rocked!!

Hey all. First, WHEW!!! I had a wonderful Christmas. But let me tell you, I ran around like a crazy lady down to the last second. I realized that my gift idea would be quite an undertaking, but man I sure underestimated how much time I needed.

My kitchen still looks like a cyclone hit it. And I have so much sweet goodness left over it’s not funny. I think I’m having a thing at my place on Thursday or Friday night. Maybe both. Come, one and all. Eat, drink … and listen to my new tunes!!! I got this for Christmas. Santa was so good and generous this year. I felt so much love it wasn’t even funny. Last Christmas I was so cynical and frustrated and bitter and angry and bitchy. This year was light years away from that. My family is so weird and quirky, but I love those peeps to pieces.

Do you know what my brother and sister-in-law are trying to make me believe? They said that last year I told them that I got the short end of the stick in the gift giving deal with them because they are three (including my wonderfully adorable nephew) and I am only one. They gave me a gift from the fam last year, while I bought them individual gifts. Now, mind you, their gift was freaking exactly what I wanted and I have used the hell out of it (since it is so perfect) and will continue to use it forever. But, c’mon guys? Do you believe I said that?? I honestly don’t remember saying it, and I would own up to it if I did. But, I can’t discount the possibility that I just forgot this one. I know I can be obnoxious at times, but c’mon. Cut me some slack. Please tell me I didn’t say that (out loud)! ;)

Granny was thrilled that we all obeyed and came to dinner at her house (well, except for my brother). Dinner was delish, as usual. I have a pic for you if someone [nudge, nudge] would send it to me. I can’t explain dinner without the photo. So look for it. I have a couple of other photos too, if someone else would go ahead and send them, as promised [nudge, nudge, freaking elbow blow to the rib cage]. You’ll get to see all of my fun from the party on Friday to Christmas Eve gift opening to Christmas dinner, but must have pics first. Sorry. But this is not my fault. I do have one pic, but I refuse to post it in isolation. It needs others to buffer it.

OK, funniest story of Christmas. We’re at my apartment Christmas Eve, opening presents. This goes against all I love about Christmas morning, but there was just no way to get us all in the room that day, so, we did the next best thing. Here’s the scene: mom, dad, brother and sister-in-law, femfriend 1, femfriend2 and manfriend, and their two kids-- 11yoB, 9yoG. We’re all packed in my living room, a couple of us nice and happily filled with spiked sorrel. We’re opening presents. I got a stereo that I asked for (actually I got 2 of them, but that’s another story) and 11yoB is putting it together for me. He is seated almost directly in front of my linen closet working away. He needs 3 AA batteries. No problem. There are AA batteries in the bottom drawer inside the linen closet. I go to closet, open drawer and start searching for batteries. Well, there is also a bag of personal goodies in same drawer. I had taken them out of the drawer under the bed because femfriend1’s 3 and 4 yo girls are sleeping in there. Wouldn’t want them to go exploring, right? As I’m searching for batteries, the bag lights up and starts vibrating. Yup, lights up. Who knew? 11yoB is so close to me I could flick my hair and smack him. I grab the batteries, slam the drawer shut and hand them to him. I’m standing there going, I know damn well he hears that, and I wonder what the hell I’m going to say when he asks what that noise is. My brother who is sitting on the far side of the room sees my face and instantly busts out laughing and leans into his wife to tell her (his assumption) that I took the batteries OUT of the device to give him for the stereo. Oh how I wish I were so smart.

So, drawer still vibrating and lit up (because it’s a plastic caddy in a dark closet), I go back to try to turn things off. Damn it if I don’t hit the FASTER and ROTATE buttons on the dang thing, so now it’s louder and spinning around. I’m about to pee on myself, because you know how I get when I can’t laugh out loud. And so to avoid wetting them right in front of everyone, I grab the bag, hug it to my chest and run into the bathroom to shut the dang things off. I laughed so hard and so loud I know my guests thought I was nuts. I shoved the bag under the bathroom sink and just hoped nobody ran out of toilet paper. I will scar a child for life, do you hear me?? I’m the best reason, all by myself, for not having children. And, it’s not so much that I had the goods that would scar the kids, it’s that I can’t handle the situation any better than to laugh my ass off. I’m skill-less in the “protecting your child’s innocence” department. 9 and 11yo are pretty used to my potty mouth, but this was too much.

Other holiday goodness: I watched Akeelah and the Bee last night and I cried my eyeballs out. I LOVE that movie. It was so empowering. We can learn so much from kids, I tell you. I was so moved by how the pure genuine innocence of the hearts of children crumbled race and class walls that adults build to keep us divided. It was so beautiful. It spoke to the strength and challenges of community. At first I thought it would propel me into a full-blown celebration of Kwanzaa (an idea I’ve been kicking around for a couple of days), but true to form for Lexi, the picture was so much bigger. I’m all for the Black community unifying and valuing each other more than we do, but the bigger picture requires all people to unify and engage with our community as a whole, in all of our diversity. I loved this movie and I will watch it a million times more. See it if you haven’t.

I leave you with a quote from the film, which is but one of its myriad messages:

"Our worst fear is not that we are inadequate, our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'who am I to be so brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?' Actually, who are we not to be? You are a child of God: Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There is nothing enlightening about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us. It is not just in some of us, it is in everyone and as we let our own light shine we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
~Marianne Williamson

(widely mis-attributed to Nelson Mandela )

How was your Christmas?

omgomgomgomg

iamrunningaroundlikeachickenwithmyheadcutoff,
tryingtogetbakingdoneintheeveningsandthatissonotworkingout.
i'mgettingfurtherbehindandnowivolunteeredtohostaninformal
dinneratmyplaceonchristmaseve.whatthehellwasithinking?
andwhat'sworstisthatveryfewofyouguysarebloggingthesedays,
soidon'thavemyusualdiversiontoaidinmyprocrastination.
thanksalotguys.gottarun.bye.