Self-Psychoanalytical Crapola

It’s really difficult for me to realize how out of control I am while I’m out of control. Once I regain control and have settled down a bit, it becomes very apparent, even scary.

This is more on my battle with controlling my weight. I have had some very encouraging, long awaited success in this area over the last month. I even started another blog, Fine Tuning, without letting most of you know, to document my progress. I feel so much better and better about myself, partly because I’m losing weight, but mostly because I feel like I’m regaining some control over this part of my life.

I think lots of people are emotional eaters. I know I tend to eat to distract myself from other things that really probably should have my attention. I eat when I feel like there’s nothing I can do about a situation. I eat socially to lift my spirits. I eat brownies and the like for comfort. I love good food, but it’s more than that. Food makes me feel better and just like anything else we use to make ourselves feel better, it can get out of control.

When my trainer first suggested limiting my calories to 1500 a day I told her she was crazy. I’d starve to death. I didn’t even try it. I just decided that there was no way I could do that and that I’d have to find another way to lose weight. I started working out without changing what I was eating, to no avail. Since October 9^th I’ve been counting calories on The Daily Plate and not really working out at all. I want to work out, but I’ve been crazy busy since I picked up the second job teaching. I’ve lost 5.6 pounds so far.

I’m realizing how totally out of control I was. I had no will power and quite frankly I didn’t even want it. I wanted to eat to comfort myself, so I didn’t really want to have the ability to resist what I was using to make myself feel better. Now that I can look at food I’d love to eat and make a rational assessment of whether or not it’s a good idea, I feel accomplished. I feel like the pendulum is starting to settle in the middle. I’ll explain.

I gained a lot of weight in my marriage, about 50 pounds over 6.5 years. I gained and lost in that period, but when I left I was just about 50 pounds heavier than when I married. Since I left I gained another 22 pounds, in 18 months. This just occurred to me this very moment. I’ve really been using food to cope with this whole separation/divorce thing without really realizing it. After I reached a certain weight, I just stopped paying attention. I chose to be in denial because I didn’t want to realize what I was doing.

So, the pendulum. A pendulum swings from one extreme to the other and then settles in the middle. While I feel like leaving my marriage and making some choices about healing some relationships while letting others go has been taking control over important areas of my life, the pendulum had swung to the other extreme with regards to how I’m coping with the stress of this divorce. I feel like it’s settling a bit now. I’m acknowledging how stressed I am and doing things to help with that, and I feel like now I can stop depending on food to help with this. I hate these self-psychoanalytical posts, but it helps me see myself better.

Are there still areas of my life I am not happy about? Yep. Are there still things I’m doing to avoid some emotions or fears that may be lurking just beneath the surface? Almost certainly. Are there areas in my life where I’m just wildin’ out because I can? Yep. Is that a reactionary symptom to all of the constraints on the other end of the pendulum (read: the church)? Yep.

And I know this, man!

Penance

To everyone I have ever interrupted, loud talked or talked over…

To everyone to whom I’ve ever come off as if I absolutely know it all…

To everyone whose conversations I have butted into uninvited…

To everyone upon whom I’ve tried to impose my whack-ass views as if they were truth…

To everyone who has considered me an absolute annoying ass for any other reason…

I am so incredibly sorry.

Please forgive me. Tell me how many "Hail Mary’s" and "Our Father’s" I must say to absolve myself. How much chicken blood must I drink? How many candles must I light? Poor people must I feed?

Tell me. I’ll do it. I’ll do anything to be delivered of the HELL I am enduring in my office with this new attorney.

If this is Karma, reaping what I’ve sown, divine punishment of some other kind, please let me know what I must do to FIX IT so that the retribution ends!

Please!!!

Finally Got Some Sleep

Ah. I haven't been able to post all week. That's just not like me. This week has been a shock to my system. I usually work from 10-6, but this week I've had early morning meetings, usually requiring me to leave the house before 7:30, and my whole schedule is thrown off.

I'm a night owl, so it's really hard for me to go to sleep before Letterman. (Funny, I don't even watch him that much, but it kinda marks time, ya know?) So, I end up staying awake until 12 or 1 and needing to be up by 6:45 at the latest. I am NOT one of those people who can function on 5 or 6 hours of sleep, not anymore. I need a full 8 and 10 is even better!

I got a good night's sleep last night 11:30-9am. I'm set for my day.

Tell me about you? Are you a morning person? A night owl? How much sleep do you need at night? (and, include your age, because that makes such a difference, I'm convinced.)

More later I hope. Since I'm awake now and can think...

Stress-Free Weekend

Friday at 6pm I declared the weekend my Stress-Free, Non-Crisis, Non-Drama weekend. I vowed that if anyone called me and wanted to talk about any crisis, anything dysfunctional, broken or stressful I would ask them to leave me a voicemail and I'll address it on Monday. Yes, I was at another one of those points where I realized that the stress my work, combined with the stress of my life was becoming a lethal concoction and I needed a big old reprieve. I got it.

I called a friend after work Friday, and I could tell by her tone that this was gearing to be one of those conversations. I informed her of the reprieve before she got started. She understands my need for a break, but I could hear the underlying pout. Oh well? There's always Monday. Isn't it funny how if you neglect someone's "crisis" for a couple of days, when you come back to it they seem to realize how non-crisis it really was?

So, you wanna know how badly I needed this break? I had my massage appointment Saturday at noon. The massage therapist was, well...Moses (so much for my burning hunk of love rubbing me down), but he was great. His name is Tom. His specialty is intense massage to correct problem areas. He used a method called myofascial release. Since I identified my neck and shoulders as a problem area, this is what we focused on in this session. So, no, not the relaxing soothing, I'm gonna fall asleep massage I was expecting, but good in a different way.

First of all, Tom politely informed me that he has rarely had the opportunity to work on anyone with as much tension as I have in my neck and shoulders. Super!! I'm a special case stress bag. He worked on my neck and shoulders for about 45 minutes of the hour and after all of that stretching and pressure, the muscles in the right side released, but those buggers on the left side, that's causing all the problems and the headaches, wouldn't let go. He suggested that often this type of tension is emotional, but the good thing is that I'm young and trying to learn how to release this stuff now. Let me tell you, if I didn't realize anything else from this session, I surely get how stress will kill you. It sets up shop in your body and does a number on it. I'm more committed than ever to reducing the stress in my life and taking care of my body.

He also asked me if I dragged one foot when I walked. I hadn't really thought about it, but when he mentioned it, I recalled that I always get "flip-flop drag" on the right side, not the left. Well, that's because my right hip is 2 whole inches lower than the left!!! Again, it's muscular as well, tension on the left side. That's where ex used to sleep. I wonder if that's what this left side deal is all about? Anyway, we'll start working on that in the next session and spend some time trying to get this left shoulder to release. I felt great afterwards and I swear my shoulders are at least 2 inches further from my ears than they were that morning.

It was such a beautiful fall day in MD yesterday that I decided I wanted to be outside. There's a trail near my house that is 4.5 miles to this lake in a neighboring town. Last Saturday I walked to the lake with a friend and then his wife came to pick us up on the other end. Yesterday I went with my sister-in-law and we walked back as well. Yep. 9 miles yesterday. I feel it today, but it's not too bad. It helped me decompress some more and it was so beautiful and crisp outside. This jump-stared my fitness program big time. LOL.

The rest of my day yesterday, after a loooooong hot shower, was spent in my most favorite way: in my apartment naked. Doesn't get much better than that. And yes, I did buy more baby oil gel, so I'm smooth again too.

I slept until noon today. A couple of trips to the bathroom assured me that yes, indeed, I hiked 9 miles yesterday. I used the excuse that sleep helps muscles repair themselves to stay in the bed longer. It was glorious.

Not yet sure what today holds. It's another glorious, beautiful crisp autumn day. I should probably take my warm clothes out of the storage closet.

Methinks Operation Stress-Free Weekend has been a success!!

...But I'm Soft!!!

I don't want to take a shower today. No, I'm not reverting to when I was 9 and would just sit on the side of the tub and make swishy noises like I was bathing. I have a dilemma.

I like soft, silky skin. And I love steaming hot showers. The two are not compatible, unless I use my silky skin guarantee-er: Johnson and Johnson's Baby Oil Gel (Lavender). After a shower I moisturize my entire body with the gel and THEN dry off. It's the perfect way to stay silky and moisturized all day long.

Well, I'm out!! I've been out for about a week and I've been using alternatives that just aren't as good. I've added liquid baby oil to lotion. Plain lotion just does NOT do it. Ever. I've used my organic almond oil. And even in combination with my non-drying peppermint castille soap, it's not the same.

I didn't shower yesterday either. I just squatted in the tub with the removable shower head and took care of the important places. OK. Ho bath! Call it what you wanna. But my skin is still soft.

I need to go to the store today for more gel. I hate itchy dry skin and it's inevitably what I'll have if I wash this two day build-up of natural oils off of my skin today.

But I smell fine. Really, I do.