Samudaya

Buddhists believe that the key to ending suffering is letting go of all desire or craving. That's a sizable leap on my part from the 1st to the 3rd of the Four Nobel Truths, but an interesting idea to explore nonetheless.

In my lifetime I have experienced considerable fluctuation in my ability and willingness to want. I used to be terrified to want. I remember doing everything in my power to quench desire at every turn. I'd deny it. I'd distract myself. I'd accept pitiful substitutions for the true object of my passion. Either way, I avoided desire like the plague. Acknowledging my desires was tantamount to numerating my miseries. I was so unhappy in so many areas of my life that the exercise of thinking about what I wanted out of life produced more despair, as reality only made those desires seem less and less attainable. During this point in my life I would have agreed that desire was the source of my suffering.

Right now I am about to start a new job. I am about to be divorced. I about to be in a much better financial situation than I've been in my entire adult life. I am on the brink of realizing what I fantasized about during my despair, starting over. It's a very exciting place to be. I expect to meet new people, travel to new places, experience the things I ached to experience when I thought I never would. I am equipped with a much better understanding of who I am, what I like, what I despise, what I stand for and what I won't. I am happy. I am unmistakably, palpably happy. And yet, I'm still haunted by longing.

I feel like there's a difference between expectation and longing. The latter requires more vulnerability. Does that seem strange? Are those two words synonymous to anyone else? They aren't to me. I expect things to change for the better in my world. But I feel like naming my longings (or identifying them) reminds me of emptiness, reminds me of the voids. I guess the bitter reality is that the objects of all desire are transient or impermanent, no matter how we cut it. I can't hold on to pleasure. It will slip through my fingers eventually. I can't hold on to people or relationships. They change and die. I can't hold on to things or money. Stock markets crash. But there are things in this life that I want and I feel like sometimes my "enjoy it while it lasts" attitude is the same as trying to deny longing. It seems rooted somehow in despair. I'm trying to figure out how to turn that around. I'm trying to figure out how to want what I want, expect to have it at some point and acknowledge and accept that I may not always have it--all at the same time.

One of the things I've longed for most is the freedom to be my own person. I feel like I am living that freedom more and more everyday. I've found community among those who aren't threatened by or judgmental of my exercise of that freedom. Those probably seem like "givens" to most people, but remember I was a pastor's wife. I lived under palpable scrutiny. I was constantly reminded that every inhalation and fart of mine had life changing implications in the lives of others in my community. It's frightening to think about having had that much perceived power over other individuals. It's frightening to consider the ill effects it has had. It's amazing to be free of that kind of community. This kind of freedom is something I've longed for years. Is it too transient? Temporal? Impermanent? I sure hope not.

Anyway, this has been a long, convoluted way of saying that I am very, very happy with my life right now and I hope it just gets better from here. I want love, happiness, fulfillment, security, companionship and peace. And mind-blowing sex. Can't a girl have it all?

It's March Madenss Time

The finest season of American sports is upon us--March Madness. I love the NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament better than any sporting event in the history of life. It takes me back to Cole Field House at the University of Maryland when the Terps well, sucked, but it didn't matter. They were my sucky Terps. And they still are. Fear the Turtle, I tell you . Fear. Him.

Before I was a Terp I was a Hoyas fan. I have 3 versions of my brackets. My fantasy version has Maryland and Georgetown in the finals with the Terps cutting down the nets. A girl can dream. Leave me alone. Besides, I secretly take pleasure, oddly, in those nut cases setting bonfires in the middle of Rt. 1 to the chagrin of the College Park police.

At the moment, Duke is struggling against Virginia Commonwealth (why can't they just be Virginia STATE like all the rest of the states, minus the other commonwealths?). Anyway, nothing will make me happier than a Duke upset. I despise Duke and North Carolina. I'm a Terp. This hatred is required. I won't even consider either school for law school for this very reason. Yes. It is that serious.

In other news, I went to the doctor for a follow up on my lump. He was pleased that it had gone down considerably and he assured me that it is nothing to worry about. He told me that he'd refer me to a surgeon if I wanted a second opinion. I told him I trust him. I am relieved. Thank you all for your concern and support. Those antibiotics made me sick the whole time I was on them. Yuk. My stomach still isn't completely right, but it's a small price to pay to save the tatas.

I've had a lot on my mind lately. Mainly stuff about what I'm going to do with myself when all the T's are crossed and I's dotted with respect to wrapping up my past life. I feel like I'm in a fog, but I'll write about that more in a separate post. I'll probably start with, "What Being Almost 34 and Childless Means to Me". Should be a hoot. I can't write it tonight because I already have a cold and I'm down to one roll of toilet paper. So, no crying for me tonight. I need the last roll for cold snot and potty, not cry snot and potty. Cry snot is SO much worse than cold snot. So that post will come later. After I buy the good facial tissue with lotion in it.

This Duke game is a nail biter. Tied at 70 with 3:40 left to go. DIE, Blue Devils. DIE. Even if you do screw up my brackets. It's worth it to see you go DOWN!!

Nite, all. Got basketball to watch.

Some Whining for You

Buying another car has taken over my life. I am exhausted, frustrated, humiliated and well informed about every make and model of car on the road today. Car dealers, salesman and finance managers are evil, nosy, self-righteous demon spawn. I am resolved to pay cash for a car from a private seller. It's the only way for me to preserve any modicum of self-respect and dignity.

I won't go into all of the details here, but suffice it to say that my unresolved marital problem leaves me dangling by the balls at Ex's mercy. I want this to be over and behind me but no matter how separated I am, this week has proven, it ain't over 'til it's over. I want it to be over. I am so sick of being judged by this one little number that, in so many, many, many ways is out of my control for the moment. If one more person looks at me like I'm stupid (or insinuates that I am) for gaining my freedom at the cost of my credit I will scream. If I have to explain to one more person why I would move out of the martial home instead of kicking his ass out, I will gauge out their eyeballs and hawk spit on their pea-sized brain. I picked my battles. I couldn't control remaining separated for the requisite period of time if he moved out (assuming that somehow I could have forced that). He could always move back any time he wanted to. There is not a law in my state to prevent him. I moved so that I could control how separated we remained. That left him in our house with a mortgage in my name. I could only hope that keeping a roof over his own head would motivate him to pay the mortgage. He hasn't been as motivated as I'd hoped. But then again, he has nothing to lose. He's not on the loan. So much for not going into the details.

I try to remind myself that this will all be over soon. I have a hell of a hole to dig myself out of, but at least I will be at a place where no more damage can be done. It feels like it's taking an eternity to get to that place. I long for that place.

This week has been a miserable reminder of my past misery. It's more than ripping off a scab. The scab was healed. It was re-opening a scar. I don't particularly fancy apathy, I think it's counter productive, but I feel like I'm very close. I'm numb in many ways. I'm exhausted of wishing I knew then what I know now. I want 1993-2005 to be a distant memory. But it keeps resurfacing in the most insidious ways. This week, in the form of loan officers. Fuck loan officers. It's a matter of principle. I will not spend my money to bring the mortgage current on a house he's living in. I'm not going to put a roof over my head and his too. If I do it once, I'll be doing it until the house is sold (or however we resolve this shit in the divorce). Call me stubborn, but this is where I draw the line. Would it make things easier on me to just pay it? Probably in the short run. But it will be more of the same "saving his ass" shit I did for 12 years. I stopped doing that in April 2005. I'm not going back to it now.

I know there's a car out there I can afford to buy outright. It may take a while to find it, but I'll keep looking. Car dealers are evil, crafty, bait and switch pariah. I've never known another industry to be so deceptive and predatory. I hate it with an unspeakable passion. I hate being bounced around from one person to another. I hate the crabs in the barrel who are each protecting their own interests (at the customer's expense). Thank God for craigslist. Oh, wait, that's a filthy beast all its own too, huh? I'll take my chances.

A final appeal. Anybody's granny too sick to drive her 3 year old Honda? Does she wanna sell it for $1500 below KBB??? Anybody???? Hello????

I'll be watching my Sex and the City DVDs if you find a seller. Don't worry about interrupting me.