My Stripper Name is Cherry

Disclaimer: If you are a prude or otherwise judgmental of fun, skip this post.

I have a new found respect for exotic dancers. Oooooooooouuuuch !!! My forearms hurt. My knees hurt. My muscles that pull your shoulders down and back hurt. I woke up a walking ball of pain this morning. My hat is off to the ladies who do this for a living. One hour of pole dancing has nearly killed me. I've taken months off from the gym and gone back like gangbusters. That produces soreness, but that soreness is not worthy to be compared to what I feel today. You go girls!!! They are athletes, for sure.

Girls' night was a riot, as usual. Six of us took a private pole dancing class at a pole dancing fitness center and came back to my place for drinks and dinner. Our instructor Lindsey, stripper name Frankie, wore 6 inch heels and worked the crap out of that pole. She flipped upside down, spun and flipped, and supported her body weight with one arm. It was amazing. My cousins were pretty amazing too. The youngest climbed that pole like a little monkey. A couple of them mastered that spin you see in the picture. I was sure that if I tried to take both of my feet off the ground at the same time it would surely spell disaster. Surprisingly I survived a few spins and things, but climbing that pole was out of the question. My hands still ache from the accident, so there was no attempting to try to support all of my weight with them. You have to have most of your skin exposed to stick to the pole. That's the trick. Lindsey said, "the big-boned dancers can do amazing things because they have more surface area to stick to the pole." [crickets]

No. I need you to pause and take that in. I had to. Was she offering that bit of information for the benefit of everyone in the room? Hmmm? Was that just FYI or was I being accused of being "big-boned"? Let me tell all of America something. This ain't BONE, ok??? I didn't take any super-duper calcium tablets to increase bone mass. I don't have a rare disorder that causes my bones to continue to grow though adulthood. I ate. A lot. And got FAT. This is fat, not big bones. Chubby, full-figured, plus-sized, voluptuous--those are euphemisms for fat. Big-boned is ridiculous. Don't call me big-boned, Frankie, ok? According to her, if I were naked I would have stuck to that pole like a ...

So, wanna know what I learned in How to Make More Money with what Yo' Mamma Gave You 101? We covered quite a bit in one hour: stripper stance, stripper walk, hip roll, snake, trace, booty clap, self-play, G-string play, peek-a-boo, the $10 shot, fireman spin and a couple other spins whose names escape me right now. I think I was most surprised to realize that all these individual moves had their very own specialized name. My favorite was how not to give yourself a wedgie with G-string play. Don't you already have a wedgie?

Once again I have concluded that I am in the wrong line of work. And I wasn't alone. First, let me tell you about this bunch. We are no slouches. We're all smart women. Of the 6 of us there are 2 M.A.s, 1 four classes away from an M.A., 1 MD candidate, 1 PsyD candidate, 1 J.D. candidate, 5 Bachelors in different disciplines (truth be told, I can't remember everyone's) and one in the making. The J.D. to be/B.S. Electrical Engineering says, after 3/4 of a pitcher of Pussy Poppers, "I just wanna be a video ho. I got to get out of my line of work. The stress just don't pay off. I need to be a video ho and work one day a week and then I can go home and be with my baby. That's where I need to be, with her. It's not a sin, right? It's the men that are sinning? Oh, is it a sin to tempt men?" Ah, it's always fun for at least one other person in the room to have had more to drink than you did. I can't even remember all of the laughs. But there were tons.

Let me just say this, every friend, if you're really a friend, will take her girlfriend for at least one lesson as a bachelorette party gift. It's a must. Have you ever done something, or been afraid to do something in the bedroom for fear that you will look stupid and be laughed at? Well, this class is for you. It's the best positive reinforcement that, no ,what you're doing is right, in fact, you can even afford to kick it up a notch. The booty clap was the most perfected skill of the evening. You can't get the full effect with clothes on, so most of us will practice bare in privacy. Most of us. Some preferred to share with the group.

Once again, girls night did not disappoint. There was minor concern for whose DNA we may have brought home from the poles. But that tiny detail aside it was fun. I have the class schedule if anybody wants it. I'm going back.

For Discussion: Where is "booty"? In the front or in the back? (Before you answer consider the phrases "booty clap" and "get some booty".)

Quacks, Crack and Booty (I guess)

Last post too much of a downer for you? No problem, I've got lighter issues to discuss as well. Where to begin? Where to begin?

OK, the chiropractor. Talk about the best gig in town to rake in the dough!! I can't go into the details of my personal experiences, as insurance companies still have checks to write and all, but let's speak hypothetically, shall we? Let's say someone gets into a car accident in the ice and should be dead, but actually lives to tell the story. I know it's a stretch, but stick with me. She feels a little shaken up, but not too bad, but is warned that the next couple of days can be awful. She decides to see a chiropractor. And the gig begins.

First visit: one hour lesson on dealing with insurance companies, complete with referrals to personal injury lawyers, explanation of your personal injury coverage (so you know when they'll stop paying him), a detailed explanation of when your health insurance can kick in and pay for treatment (when you complain of something new that wasn't part of the accident), with x-rays of how your neck is jacked the hell up and probably was before the accident and is likely to cause problems in the future (remembering to emphasize that health insurance only pays for treatment while in the symptomatic phase); and 10 minutes on the hydro-massage bed.

Second visit: explanation of exactly what is wrong with your jacked up neck and how to fix it (should it ever cause pain in the future [wink, wink]) , hydro-massage bed and first adjustment. First adjustment? Yes, lay on table face down. Table bends and flaps. Chiroquackter pulls something to make the lower part of the bed snap down (to adjust your hips that aren't level). Chiroquackter shows you his hand toys that make noise and buzz. He pokes the pokey one around your neck and shoulders and rubs the rubby one that vibrates around your neck and shoulders. Done. I'll see you 3 times next week.

So, said hypothetical patient feels great. It was a 15 minute procedure where she was massaged, rubbed, vibrated and poked....and no happy ending!!!! What gives??? She was compelled to ask the Quacksician's Assistant how much each session costs so that she can determine when to yell, "CURED!!" $105.00. OK, if hypothetical insurance covers $2500, that means 21 more sessions to go!

I believe in what chiropractors do...it's just got to be the easiest money in town. I am SO in the wrong field.
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Next, the rental car "pick-up". I rented a car on Tuesday. I took it back on Friday because I was flying out to Santa Monica Saturday morning. No need in wasting the insurance company's money with a car sitting in front of my house right? WRONG!

I went back this morning to get the car and despite my conversations the day before with the insurance adjuster, there was no record of the new claim ticket for the rental today. A couple of phone calls and there's assurance that the company will pick up the tab, but adjuster is in the meeting. Charge the client and we'll sort it out later. Well, um, no. I was just on business in L.A. for 5 days. I expend first and then I'm reimbursed. There was nothing left in the well for the Enterprise. Are you sure? Can't we "swipe your card for $50?" Um, no. I know when I'm broke thank you. I didn't cause this accident. I'm not paying for the rental. Somebody needs to fix this. Manager steps in. Says do the deal with no $ from me. Great. Right? Wrong.

Let me back up. The car rental guy is Thadeus. He's a very tall, very Southern, very thickly accented, Black, church-boy. Any guesses on which one, singular identifier is the pejorative here? He was there the first time I rented and he was there this morning. He flirted the first time. I was rude. He said something about the Lord and I rolled my eyes. He tried to sell me a car, since mine was totaled, and I said, "Do I look like I'm in the mood for a sales pitch?" He asked me if I go to church. WTH? I said no and that I'm divorcing the pastor. He asked me if I was married to him. [crickets] I told him that that's usually how divorces work. I was not in a good mood and certainly not in the mood to be picked up by T.D. Jakes' little brother. It was not a good encounter. Thadeus was not there when I returned the car and he wasn't there this morning. At first.

He came in and lit up like somebody had given him a word from the Lord that today was the day for his BREAK-through or something. I waved. The "I have no money" conversation ensued with Mr. Thadeus. Picking up where I left off, now we go to the car. He puts me in a dirty, salt and bird shit covered orange Kia Rio. What the hell is a Kia Rio? Of course I look at him like he's a nutcase and here's what he says to me, "See, my people. That's just like my people. Come to rent a car with no money to put down and you want to complain about what you get." OK, look M-Fer, YOUR people may have a reputation for ignorant shit. I don't know who YOUR people are. I am apparently not one of whoever you are referring to. I am a customer. It shouldn't matter who is paying the bill. I didn't wake up this morning and decide that I'd try to go pull one over on Enterprise. I got crashed into by another motorist. I have no car. I probably would have chosen for the facts to be different. Regardless of how you're being paid for my business, you are being paid for my business. Why do I get the shit car?

I needed to go to work, but I told him that I'd call later to confirm that the insurance company had handled business and to let him know that I'd be back to get a clean, decent car when the do. I called this afternoon. Things weren't corrected yet. THEN Mr. Thadeus proceeds to ask me what I'm doing this weekend. I laughed because he couldn't possibly be thinking of asking me out. I said I had a Girl's Night on Saturday and that SuperBowl plans were up in the air. "So that means Sunday is free?" I 'bout died, but managed to say, "I can discuss my social calendar with you when you get me out of the shit car that shakes at 50mph." UM? HELLO????? Are you kidding me? What's worse is that he has all of my personal contact information on that dang application form. He will be one out of a job brotha' if I hear from him. Trust.

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Lastly, Girl's Night. My cousins and I are taking a private group pole dancing lesson on Saturday and then coming back to my house for drinks and dinner, courtesy of C., the least likely of any of us to plan something like this...or so we thought. I can't wait. It's going to be a blast. Chiroquackter be damned! He might actually need to work for his money on Monday. I'm in charge of the drinks. Hmmmm??? We all share the same Irish sir name. We're going pole dancing. What should we drink? I decided on Red-Headed Sluts and Pussy Poppers. They all like those pansy, sweet, girly drinks. Plus, couldn't find better names for the occasion. Can't wait to tell that story.

That's it for tonight lovelies.

Besos!