Adjustment without Improvement

I have less than one year before my 35th birthday. I have promised myself that when I turn 35 I will be in the best shape of my life. This week I've given the phrase "the best shape of my life" a second thought.

There was time when I thought being in shape meant being able to fit into any size 4 on the rack. I quickly learned that, for me, that was really called being anorexic. Then, I decided that being in shape meant maintaining a size 6, and throwing up my french fries and double cheeseburger and shake if I happened to slip up to an 8. That was really called being bulimic, despite the benefits of gaining amazing control of my gag reflex. Being in shape was about a number: my weight, my jeans size, how many miles I could run in a week, how many times I could run the stairs in the stadium, how many laps I swam. I was/am no athlete. I was what Debbie calls skinny fat. I was a petite woman who ate like my heart was my worst enemy and I was duty bound to kill it with fast food, sugary sweets and the absence of all things that grow from the ground, except for when I'd go through one of my health nut cycles.

Over the years I have had periods of extreme conscientiousness about what I eat. Like most things with me, my enthusiasm about eating better has ebbed and flowed. I'm about to turn 35. I'm out of wiggle room. The choices I make about what I do to my body now will make or break how I grow old. I prefer to do so gracefully without preventable diseases. I have to make changes now.

I started reading Toni Morrison's, The Bluest Eye, this week. I was only a few pages in when I came upon this sentence.

I learned much later to worship her, just as I learned to delight in cleanliness, knowing, even as I learned, that the change was adjustment without improvement.

The context of that statement isn't as important as the italicized phrase. Those six words hit me like a ton of bricks. It struck me as antithetical to all I hope to be accomplishing along this journey of personal growth. I've made changes in my life. Many, many changes at many different times. I am smack in the middle of one of the most significant seasons of change I've ever experienced, even more significant than the time period that birthed this blog. I don't want to look back at this time as a period of adjustment without improvement. I want to be better. I want to be a better friend, a better daughter, a better sister, cousin, niece, aunt and granddaughter. I want to be a better employee, a better citizen, a better companion, student, coworker. I want to be a better stranger. I want to be a better me. Different is not good enough. I want to be better.

When it comes to living a healthy lifestyle, I've made adjustments many times. I will make many more. But I've begun to make improvements. It's time for me to start eating like an adult. I have a great independent organic market less than 2 miles from my house. I have no excuses. I walked up and down the aisles this evening amazed by how many choices their are for eating well. I've decided that my grocery list will be comprised of items from two lists. The SuperFoods list is the priority. The World's Healthiest Foods list will round out the rest. Now, since I'm about improvement and not just adjustment here, I've tried it out for over a week. I haven't starved to death. I've eaten foods I love. I've eaten often (seems like all day long) to boost my metabolism. I've felt better than I have in a long time. I've dropped 5 pounds, just like that. And I haven't worked out once. Yet. I even went to Happy Hour last night and ordered an avocado and tomato salad and quinoa tabbouleh (and 2 blood orange margaritas). I never missed a chip or buffalo wing. It was lovely, I tell you.

I was in Whole Foods with Katrice last week and, as you may have read on her blog (which I won't link because there are nut cases among us), and we ran into Dick Gregory. I was doing my first big shopping spree from the Super Foods list, and I took this as a prophetic endorsement that I am somehow on the right track (why? because I'm corny like that!) I was tickled to see him, and while I am not going raw foodist (yet), he still inspired me to do better than I've been doing.

I'll probably continue the discussion of how this whole change is going on Fine Tuning, my pathetic chronicle of my weight loss efforts. But it was important enough today, for me to mention it here. I'm done adjusting for the sake of adjusting. It's time to get better, healthier.

Today when I think of being in shape I think of the whole person. Not just what I eat or if I work out. There's so much more to fitness. The mind, body and spirit are connected and interdependent. And as much as I've chosen to rid my body of unnecessary hormones, preservatives and toxins, I'm diligently plugging away at those things that clutter and preoccupy my mind and weigh upon my spirit. You'll hear about more of it here. Even if it gets political and politically incorrect.

Stay tuned.

It's March Madenss Time

The finest season of American sports is upon us--March Madness. I love the NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament better than any sporting event in the history of life. It takes me back to Cole Field House at the University of Maryland when the Terps well, sucked, but it didn't matter. They were my sucky Terps. And they still are. Fear the Turtle, I tell you . Fear. Him.

Before I was a Terp I was a Hoyas fan. I have 3 versions of my brackets. My fantasy version has Maryland and Georgetown in the finals with the Terps cutting down the nets. A girl can dream. Leave me alone. Besides, I secretly take pleasure, oddly, in those nut cases setting bonfires in the middle of Rt. 1 to the chagrin of the College Park police.

At the moment, Duke is struggling against Virginia Commonwealth (why can't they just be Virginia STATE like all the rest of the states, minus the other commonwealths?). Anyway, nothing will make me happier than a Duke upset. I despise Duke and North Carolina. I'm a Terp. This hatred is required. I won't even consider either school for law school for this very reason. Yes. It is that serious.

In other news, I went to the doctor for a follow up on my lump. He was pleased that it had gone down considerably and he assured me that it is nothing to worry about. He told me that he'd refer me to a surgeon if I wanted a second opinion. I told him I trust him. I am relieved. Thank you all for your concern and support. Those antibiotics made me sick the whole time I was on them. Yuk. My stomach still isn't completely right, but it's a small price to pay to save the tatas.

I've had a lot on my mind lately. Mainly stuff about what I'm going to do with myself when all the T's are crossed and I's dotted with respect to wrapping up my past life. I feel like I'm in a fog, but I'll write about that more in a separate post. I'll probably start with, "What Being Almost 34 and Childless Means to Me". Should be a hoot. I can't write it tonight because I already have a cold and I'm down to one roll of toilet paper. So, no crying for me tonight. I need the last roll for cold snot and potty, not cry snot and potty. Cry snot is SO much worse than cold snot. So that post will come later. After I buy the good facial tissue with lotion in it.

This Duke game is a nail biter. Tied at 70 with 3:40 left to go. DIE, Blue Devils. DIE. Even if you do screw up my brackets. It's worth it to see you go DOWN!!

Nite, all. Got basketball to watch.

Cancer and Other Awful Stuff

I've been at a loss for things to write about lately, but tonight a post on Fyrchk's blog inspired me. You need to go and read and support her efforts to support finding a cure for cancer. I admire her for what she's doing with her blog, and since I have yet to contribute to her cause (and thereby get to take over her blog for a day) I will say my cancer piece here. I'm working on the duckets.

In short, it scares the shit out of me. Cancers that effect only women scare me more, for the obvious reason--because I'm a woman, and because I know women's health research is not adequately funded. KBear told a story on Fyrchk's blog that is reminiscent of so many women's stories I've heard. There's something wrong in the G-Y-N realm and doctors have no clue what it is or how to fix it, so they put band-aids (read: hormones) on cancers (probably literally as well) and hope for the best. I know so much of medicine is trial and error, but I think women's health gets the short end of this stick. I know women who have been on oral contraceptives for 10 and 15 YEARS, not because they are wanting to prevent pregnancy, because they won't stop bleeding without them. I'm sorry. That doesn't sound like FIXED to me. I digress.

Cancer has wreaked havoc upon my family in the last couple of years. I lost my aunt S. (dad's sister) and my aunt D. (mom's sister-in-law) within a year of each other. Both were in their 50's. Both died of lung cancer. Both were life-long smokers. I've noticed that people tend to put disclaimer's on their loved one's cancers. They often point out when the sufferer's own choices weren't contributory to their cancer. I have mixed feelings about this. While I'm glad that the cancer wasn't the person's "fault", so what if it was. It's still horrible suffering and agonizing to watch. And whether people made unhealthy choices or not, no one deserves the horrors of dying from cancer. I don't know, maybe it's just me.

But, considering that my aunts died of cancer that quite likely was preventable, I'm a HUGE anti-smoking person. I don't mean to offend anyone who smokes, and I certainly don't judge smokers (both of my parents smoked for more than 40 years each and it took at least 10 for them to quit for good) I really, really, really urge them to consider giving it up. My auntie had a burn in her back in the shape of a lung from the radiation. It ain't pretty people.

I celebrate as my state, county by county, goes smoke-free in bars and restaurants. Yes, I've considered what it means to business, but I enjoy these establishments and I don't want to develop respiratory problems because of smoking within them. I grew up on second-hand smoke. Now I have a choice about it and I choose to avoid it whenever I can. DC just went smoke-free last month. Whooo-hoooo!!!

So, I'm not putting a disclaimer on my aunts' cancers. They were smokers. That likely killed them. I miss them terribly and on their behalf I join Fyrchk and her supporters: FUCK CANCER!

I know that I make choices everyday that contribute to my risk factors for all kinds of horrible stuff. I'm usually more mindful of this after I have swallowed, but I'm working on it. (OK, if you did a double take on that last sentence...that's not what I meant.) I know that my being over-weight sets me up for all kinds of problems. My health is my main motivation to make changes in this area. I just get so side-tracked when it tastes so good. Does that mean I deserve to die of diabetes related complications? I don't think so. And it would suck if I did, as much as it would suck for the person who ate healthily and exercised and died of the same illness. Right?

I know that many of you readers have lost loved ones to one of these illnesses I've mentioned. I have thought of you as I've typed each of these words. I shutter at the thought of my parents getting older and of the reality that we'll all die of something. I'd prefer to go peacefully in my sleep.

These are my loved ones and those of my friends who've died of awful illnesses and whose deaths have touched my life. There's one person here who I never met, but she's touched my life through her daughter time and time again.

Sharon E., Dene E.,Toby E., Arleva E., Mickey F., Sharon M., Mark M.

Please add to the list and, if you can, support the fight for cures.

American Cancer Society
American Heart Association
American Diabetes Association
American Foundation for AIDS Research
The Women's Health Foundation