2006 Closeout (UPDATED with Spoiler)

I have the next 9 days off. What a way to bring in the New Year. I get to relax, reflect and do only the things I want to do for the next week and a weekend. It doesn't get much better than this.

I've had a lot going on as this year has drawn to a close. Until last night, my place looked like a cyclone hit it. Every dish in my house was dirty, there were bowls of dried batter, cake frosting and God knows what else. It was gross and too big of a job for me to tackle, so I ignored it all week long.

I knew I wanted to start vacation with a clean slate this morning so last night I demonstrated the ultimate, utter laziness imaginable. I hired Katrice's kids to clean it for me. Man, what kids will do for money. They agreed to help me before they saw the actual project. I fully expected them to bow out once they cast their eyes upon my scuzz, but despite their repulsion, they wanted the cash. Let me tell you, that was the best $40 I've ever spent in my life. My kitchen sparkles today. What's better is that since they handled the kitchen, I got to clean up the rest of the apartment. It feels like home again, not like Santa's bakeshop gone amuck. I feel like I have a nice soothing place to relax and enjoy my vacation.

Now, speaking of vacation. I'm going to try to take time to breathe, relax, reflect on this past year and set some goals for next year. I'll start back in the gym since the holidays have done what they do to my routine and regimen. I'll try to spend time with myself a little more and get a little more settled within on a couple of issues that are still more unsettling for me than I'm comfortable with. More on those as I reflect. You might have to check Unpacking Faith though, since some of those issues are particular to that journey I'm chronicling over there.

I've got some Christmas pics, as promised. A few of my favorite things. All food.


Turnip greens. OK, I'm not the biggest fan of turnip greens, I prefer collards or kale, but these are great as long as I don't have to eat the turnips. It's funny how you usually can't get kids to eat veggies, but sit a black kid down in front of some greens and see what happens.




Rice. We're a rice and gravy family. Not mashed potatoes. I've tried a couple of times to slip some taters on the table, but somebody always brings the rice. It goes with the brisket and gravy that my uncle makes. A couple of us (the kids) have sat at granny's feet long enough to make a decent brisket. But Uncle Ed's rocks.


Do you know what these are? Hint: there's a vinegar bottle to the left of the bowl and to the right you can see the red top of the hot sauce bottle. Any guesses?


SPOILER: Click for the answer.



Here's the whole spread.






And here's Ed's brisket.







This is my plate. My fork is pointing to what is left of my first helping of the stuff you're supposed to be trying to identify.





And this is the shot NO one is supposed to take. Ever. A fat girl eating.






I'll spare you all my plumber shot. My brother took a picture of me opening gifts on Christmas Eve. Apparently with as much ass as I have, it's completely insensitive to draft. It seems he sat right behind me and took the pic. I never knew he was there, but it was baaaaaaaad. Let's just say there's something to be said for granny panties. I better pick up a few.

So, 20 smooches to whoever gets Name That Pic right. And, one question in the interest of diversity. Do other people take pictures of food (and caskets) or is that just a black folk thing?

I have really enjoyed meeting all of you wonderful people this year. And as 2006 comes to a close I wish you all joy, peace, love and the abundant richness of all that means the most to you in the coming year.

Peace.

Christmas Rocked!!

Hey all. First, WHEW!!! I had a wonderful Christmas. But let me tell you, I ran around like a crazy lady down to the last second. I realized that my gift idea would be quite an undertaking, but man I sure underestimated how much time I needed.

My kitchen still looks like a cyclone hit it. And I have so much sweet goodness left over it’s not funny. I think I’m having a thing at my place on Thursday or Friday night. Maybe both. Come, one and all. Eat, drink … and listen to my new tunes!!! I got this for Christmas. Santa was so good and generous this year. I felt so much love it wasn’t even funny. Last Christmas I was so cynical and frustrated and bitter and angry and bitchy. This year was light years away from that. My family is so weird and quirky, but I love those peeps to pieces.

Do you know what my brother and sister-in-law are trying to make me believe? They said that last year I told them that I got the short end of the stick in the gift giving deal with them because they are three (including my wonderfully adorable nephew) and I am only one. They gave me a gift from the fam last year, while I bought them individual gifts. Now, mind you, their gift was freaking exactly what I wanted and I have used the hell out of it (since it is so perfect) and will continue to use it forever. But, c’mon guys? Do you believe I said that?? I honestly don’t remember saying it, and I would own up to it if I did. But, I can’t discount the possibility that I just forgot this one. I know I can be obnoxious at times, but c’mon. Cut me some slack. Please tell me I didn’t say that (out loud)! ;)

Granny was thrilled that we all obeyed and came to dinner at her house (well, except for my brother). Dinner was delish, as usual. I have a pic for you if someone [nudge, nudge] would send it to me. I can’t explain dinner without the photo. So look for it. I have a couple of other photos too, if someone else would go ahead and send them, as promised [nudge, nudge, freaking elbow blow to the rib cage]. You’ll get to see all of my fun from the party on Friday to Christmas Eve gift opening to Christmas dinner, but must have pics first. Sorry. But this is not my fault. I do have one pic, but I refuse to post it in isolation. It needs others to buffer it.

OK, funniest story of Christmas. We’re at my apartment Christmas Eve, opening presents. This goes against all I love about Christmas morning, but there was just no way to get us all in the room that day, so, we did the next best thing. Here’s the scene: mom, dad, brother and sister-in-law, femfriend 1, femfriend2 and manfriend, and their two kids-- 11yoB, 9yoG. We’re all packed in my living room, a couple of us nice and happily filled with spiked sorrel. We’re opening presents. I got a stereo that I asked for (actually I got 2 of them, but that’s another story) and 11yoB is putting it together for me. He is seated almost directly in front of my linen closet working away. He needs 3 AA batteries. No problem. There are AA batteries in the bottom drawer inside the linen closet. I go to closet, open drawer and start searching for batteries. Well, there is also a bag of personal goodies in same drawer. I had taken them out of the drawer under the bed because femfriend1’s 3 and 4 yo girls are sleeping in there. Wouldn’t want them to go exploring, right? As I’m searching for batteries, the bag lights up and starts vibrating. Yup, lights up. Who knew? 11yoB is so close to me I could flick my hair and smack him. I grab the batteries, slam the drawer shut and hand them to him. I’m standing there going, I know damn well he hears that, and I wonder what the hell I’m going to say when he asks what that noise is. My brother who is sitting on the far side of the room sees my face and instantly busts out laughing and leans into his wife to tell her (his assumption) that I took the batteries OUT of the device to give him for the stereo. Oh how I wish I were so smart.

So, drawer still vibrating and lit up (because it’s a plastic caddy in a dark closet), I go back to try to turn things off. Damn it if I don’t hit the FASTER and ROTATE buttons on the dang thing, so now it’s louder and spinning around. I’m about to pee on myself, because you know how I get when I can’t laugh out loud. And so to avoid wetting them right in front of everyone, I grab the bag, hug it to my chest and run into the bathroom to shut the dang things off. I laughed so hard and so loud I know my guests thought I was nuts. I shoved the bag under the bathroom sink and just hoped nobody ran out of toilet paper. I will scar a child for life, do you hear me?? I’m the best reason, all by myself, for not having children. And, it’s not so much that I had the goods that would scar the kids, it’s that I can’t handle the situation any better than to laugh my ass off. I’m skill-less in the “protecting your child’s innocence” department. 9 and 11yo are pretty used to my potty mouth, but this was too much.

Other holiday goodness: I watched Akeelah and the Bee last night and I cried my eyeballs out. I LOVE that movie. It was so empowering. We can learn so much from kids, I tell you. I was so moved by how the pure genuine innocence of the hearts of children crumbled race and class walls that adults build to keep us divided. It was so beautiful. It spoke to the strength and challenges of community. At first I thought it would propel me into a full-blown celebration of Kwanzaa (an idea I’ve been kicking around for a couple of days), but true to form for Lexi, the picture was so much bigger. I’m all for the Black community unifying and valuing each other more than we do, but the bigger picture requires all people to unify and engage with our community as a whole, in all of our diversity. I loved this movie and I will watch it a million times more. See it if you haven’t.

I leave you with a quote from the film, which is but one of its myriad messages:

"Our worst fear is not that we are inadequate, our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'who am I to be so brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?' Actually, who are we not to be? You are a child of God: Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There is nothing enlightening about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us. It is not just in some of us, it is in everyone and as we let our own light shine we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
~Marianne Williamson

(widely mis-attributed to Nelson Mandela )

How was your Christmas?

omgomgomgomg

iamrunningaroundlikeachickenwithmyheadcutoff,
tryingtogetbakingdoneintheeveningsandthatissonotworkingout.
i'mgettingfurtherbehindandnowivolunteeredtohostaninformal
dinneratmyplaceonchristmaseve.whatthehellwasithinking?
andwhat'sworstisthatveryfewofyouguysarebloggingthesedays,
soidon'thavemyusualdiversiontoaidinmyprocrastination.
thanksalotguys.gottarun.bye.

Doing What I Do Best

Warning: Compulsives, beware. This post desperately needs an edit. But I'm off to bake cookies. Deal.

• I'm procrastinating. I should be baking now if I'm ever going to be done by Christmas. I've finished chocolate chip cookies (with and without pecans), oatmeal scotchies (nuts and not), pistachio lime cookies, a couple of oreo cheesecakes and... that's it for now. I think I'm up to about 50 dozen, I think. Maybe less. I ate a couple.
• 
  
• I upgraded my Firefox. I now get red lines to let me know I've misspelled words, even in Blogger. Yay.
• 
  
• Charlie Brown Christmas is on. I hate all of these shows: Rulolf, Frosty, Great Pumpkin. All of them. I don't think they're so bad. I've just seen them all and I never want to see them again. Kids are so screwed if they get stuck with me as a mom. Poor things.
• 
  
• I hate my bank. Either debit cards are Satan, or my bank gets a kick out of stealing money from me. To make a long story short, I spent all of the money in my checking account shopping for baking stuff Friday night. I deposited 2 checks at the ATM Saturday night. The bank "held" the money from the deposit and therefore drew overdraft fees for 5 of my Friday night purchase. They only want to refund 2 of them. They stole $90 from me for no reason. Who has $90 to throw down the drain at Christmas time? Fuckers! I hate them. I want to change banks, but only after the D. I want a clean slate. Note to self: ONLY use the DEBIT function. Choosing CREDIT costs you money because your credit union gets its jollies off of stealing your money in $28 increments.
• 
  
• I've been at my job now for a little over a year. It's time to ask for a raise. I've never, ever done this in my life. The last time my boss and I discussed my utter inability to live off of my current salary without working a second job, she informed me that I'm at the top of my pay scale, and that an increase would put me into the same range as the attorney's salary. That sounds like the attorney's problem to me. Right? What does it have to do with me that the attorney agreed to work for chickenshit? I know we're a non-profit and all. But hello????
• 
  
• All bets are off on the fitness business. I was hoping to make a major milestone in the whole weight loss arena. But, my house is filled with sweet, yummy goodness. And I haven't been to the gym in 2 weeks. I'm too busy getting fat. I'll fix it in January. I know I suck. You can say so.
• 
  
• My dad wanted to share a Bible verse with me that mattered to him last week. I had to resist the impulse to knock the Bible out of his hand. Hmmm? This could be an issue, huh? I'm not really surprised by my impulse. Just putting in public for all of you to witness my depravity. Hell, here I come.
• 
  
• Speaking of going to hell...I don't do old people. I attribute this solely and completely to utter selfishness. I am annoyed by how slowly they tell a story, get to the point, speak, re-tell the same story you just heard, re-get to the same point they just got to and...you get my point. If nothing else secures my place in hell, I'm sure this does. What are they keeping me from as the drag on and on and on torturing me with their incessant, dawdling chatter? Nothing. Just something else I'd rather be doing. Translation: selfishness. I really need help.
  
• 
  
• My Granny is 88 (or 89, she and the 1920 census disagree). I love her. I don't spend nearly as much time with her as I should. Truth be told, I don't spend any time with her. She called to make sure I'd be there for Christmas. Of course I'll be there, since you called personally. What am I supposed to say, "nah, I'll catch you next year?" I don't think so. The Granny part had little to do with me going to hell except that she is old. I don't feel about her as I do for old people generally, but something keeps me away. She tells funny stories. I'll miss her dearly if she passes. I better get this together. I have a friend who could spend all day sitting and talking to her grandmother. I admire her. I'm too selfish. What a lovely Christmas thought.
• 
  
• Charlie Brown is still invading my television. Why don't the adults say words? That's how I feel when old people are talking to me. I mean, that's what it sounds like after about 3.67 minutes.
• 
  
• I really need to be in the kitchen.
• 
  
• I've been blogging for a whole year now. Sometimes I feel more introspective than others. I've enjoyed those moments, but I really like these posts when I just tell you what I really think.
• 
  
• I'm going to a Christmas party on the 23rd. I'm really looking forward to it. I'm so glad not to be spending the days leading up to Christmas organizing my church's annual dinner for the homeless. We took hot meals to the streets of DC every single Christmas morning of my marriage. It stopped being selfless and admirable after year 3 because after that I bitched and moaned about it the whole time. Hell. I know. My new addy.
  
• 
  
• I saw my dad the other day and he goes, "Lexi, you look a lot less stressed that you have the past couple of months. Are you getting some?" You've really gotta love my parents! I guess I left the door open for that with the whole "blowing the mechanic" thing. I guess I'm not "daddy's little girl" anymore.
• 
  
• My parents asked me for a Christmas wish list this year. First time since I was a kid. I decided to be cheeky. Since they asked what I wanted, I told them. I used to hold back when my parents asked me about needing money or wanting stuff. But I stuck it to them this year. They can always laugh at me and call me nuts. I asked for the Zune Mp3 player. My dad is so cute. He tries to keep up with the times (although he still says 'bumpin'') but he has not clue what an mp3 player is. He finally broke down and asked. Notice that none of the descriptions of them on line bother to mention what it exactly is. He's so cute.
• 
  
• I hate cheesecake. I don't really know when this happened, because it hasn't always been this way. But there's nothing appealing about it for me anymore. It actually repulses me a little. I guess that's a good thing. Now if I could only develop a repulsion to all else but carrots and hay I'd be in business.
• 
  
• I will make at least one batch of dough tonight. I will make at least one batch of dough tonight. I will get up off of my fat ass and make at least one batch of dough tonight.
• 
  
• My mom just called me to tell me that one of her friend's sister died. I said I was sorry. My mom gets so worked up when people die. What else am I supposed to say? I knew her, but not like that. I think it was more of an FYI call. Do you know how many of her friends I've killed and resurrected. I can never remember who's dead and who's alive. Scary thought that half your parents' friends have died.
  
• 
  
• My intern's cousin's 8 month old baby died Saturday. Now that got to me.
  
• 
  
• I watched this guy beat the living crap out of his girlfriend while she was driving her car today. I know that he was her boyfriend because that's what the cop (who I called) told me after he finished investigating the incident. The guy told me to mind my fucking business. Naturally. I'm sorry, America. If you ever see a man pounding me in the face, ever, PLEASE call the police if you're (like me) too scared to intervene yourself. This girl didn't want to press charges. No surprise to me, but at least the punk had to walk home. Asshole. And at least she has an incident report should she ever need to build a case against the jerk in the future. She was thankful. I hope she gets away from him safely, for good. Would you have called the police?
• 
  
• I don't want to end on that note, but I'm all out of ideas. I've unloaded all of my random thoughts on you.

What a boring post. I'll find my mo-jo again. Really.

Going to the Chapel and We're Gonna Get Married....

OK, now that the cat is out of the bag (see comments from post below) I can fill you all in on the 15 reasons why I’m going to marry Andy of From the Outside and have his children.

1. He’s white. Yeah, that’s right. I said it. I’m not sure what kind of sandals he wears, but he’s close enough to my Birkenstock Man for government work. Do you guys remember when I swore off brothers? Problem solved.
2. He cooks. Now, what women alive wouldn’t jump at the chance to get hitched to a man who knows his way around the kitchen? At least I know that on the nights I just don’t feel like cooking, I’m not sentenced to take-out, necessarily. Back off, Ladies. He's MINE.
   
3. He has super-high metabolism. And I hope like hell I catch it.
4. He’s handy. Honey-do list, here we go. He’s already been broken in by the women in his office. And even if he’s not really broken in, he already blogged about how to get whatever I want out of him (something about asking as opposed to "bitching, moaning and complaining"). So, hey, I know the secret. No, wait, that's carrot cake.
5. He’s an IT guy. Look, I know women who have actually dated guys with no email address. YES. In 2006. So, rather than getting stuck with one of those losers, I thought I better cash in on this catch. Besides, he can tweak the hell out of my blog. Oooooh BABY!!!
6. He gets women. He has acquired the keenest sense of how the world revolves (read: around US!). So, yeah. Can’t pass that up.
7. He’s so intelligent. There’s so much I stand to learn from the depths of his infinite wisdom.
8. And, in that infinite wisdom, he knows who to suck up to. That's right! No matter who gets the short end of the stick, this guy's gonna keep bringing home the bacon. Cut-throat, save your ass, sink your friends...just keep bringin' home that check. I'll buy the Chapstick.
   
9. He is secure in his place in the universe. There's nothing like a man who gets that women are, in fact, the superior gender. Eureka! I'm telling you, he needs to teach classes!!
   
10. He's a rock star! Show me one woman who doesn't love a bass player. Didn't think so.
11. He's loaded. OK, so my sequencing doesn't accurately reflect my priorities. Shoot me.
    
12. He knows what to do with the feather. Didn't thinkI'd leave that one out, did you?
13. He knows that life is really about the little things. Whoa. That one was geniune. How'd that get in there?
14. He appreciates fine poetry. Girls, stand in line to have him recite this one to you. Whew. I know. Here, you can use my paper fan.
    
15. And finally, despite the fact that he only scored a B- on an 8th grade math test and probably won't be the one to help the kids with their homework, he's still got lessons to pass on to the youngins!! I think I'll even chance reproduction.

Now, I know the haters are lining up to spew their venom in my direction. Back off!! Hate, though you might, this one is mine. Isn't he dreamy?

Dare me, do you?

Keep the NERD Comments to Yourself

You Passed 8th Grade Math

Congratulations, you got 10/10 correct!

Could You Pass 8th Grade Math?

I'm sorry, I must update my language to keep up with my nephew. It's "Geek Squad" these days. Not "nerd". Sorry.

Now, if the LSAT were only that easy!

More Holiday Stuff

I stole this from Confessions of a Geeky Blogger.. Since it's about my favorite subject at this most wonderful time of the year, I've decided to do my own.

Holiday MeMe:

1. Egg Nog or Hot Chocolate? I like both of them to be around. They're just supposed to be there. But I really am not a fan of egg nog. It's too thick and sweet for me. If there's enough booze, I tolerate it, but I don't like drinks that go down thick. Same for hot chocolate. I need it to be the real kind that you use real cocoa powder in and cook on the stove...and again, not too thick and sweet. I'm much more a hot spiced cider chick...or hot buttered rum!!

2. Does Santa wrap presents or just sit them under the tree? As a kid he just sat them under the tree, until we started to get older and the number of gifts dwindled tremendously. Then he started to wrap them to add some excitement I guess. When I play Santa, I always wrap. I LOVE wrapping presents.

3. Colored lights on tree/house or white? Depends on my mood. I really love crazy bright colored lights, half flashing, one strand not, all confusing so that when you sit and look at the tree you have to try to figure out what's going to blink next (or not). I've tried to do the all white Target style tree....Yawn!!!

4. Do you hang mistletoe? I will this year! Hehe.

5. When do you put your decorations up? Ummm? When I buy them. I would have had them up by now if I had remembered to claim them in the separation, but since I'm starting from scratch...it'll go up this weekend.

6. What is your favorite holiday dish? Ambrosia. My family is the only one I know that makes it right. Must have nuts, must have marichino cherries, must not have marshmallows or canned mandarin oranges. Yuk!!

7. Favorite Holiday memory as a child: Climbing into mom and dad's bed to wake them up and beg to go downstairs to see what Santa brought. I did this last when I was 24.

8.When and how did you learn the truth about Santa? *sigh* I never believed in Santa. But I'm trying to correct my waywardness in my adult years.

9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve? Nope. We did this once or twice, but I don't like it. Torn wrapping paper goes with jammies!!

10. How do you decorate your Christmas tree? Color. Color. Color. I want a crazy tree this year. No theme stuffiness.

11. Snow! Love it or Dread it? Love It :)

12. Can you ice skate? Yep. Now, can I stop? Hmmm?

13. Do you remember your favorite gift? Nope. I love gifts. Doesn't matter what. I'm easy to please.

14. What's the most important thing about the Holidays for you? Giving to the people I love.

15. What is your favorite holiday dessert? Carrot cake and Thumbprints and chocolate chip cookies.

16. What is your favorite holiday tradition? Sleigh bells that my uncle used to ring right before handing out gifts. This will be our second Christmas without him.

17. What tops your tree? Angel. She used to twinkle. Mommy said I would twinkle too if I had that big tree up my skirt. I never knew what she meant. I do now!! [wink wink]. Don't you just love her? I need to tell more Gerri stories here.

18. Which do you prefer giving or Receiving? Giving ;) And not just at Christmastime either. Whaaat????

19. What is your favorite Christmas Song? These are the Special Times. I prefer the Celine Dion version, but this is the one I found:


20. Candy Canes! Yuck or Yum? Yum!!! But the rainbow-cherry ones are the bestest.

My Most Embarrassing Moment

I went to a private party Saturday night at a popular club here in D.C. When you walked into the main room there were about 3 stairs to walk down to get onto the dance floor and into the main bar area. On the way down the tip of my left boot got caught in my right pant leg. When I tripped my arms went straight out to the sides and I just knew I was about to make an unforgettable entrance into this party. But I saved it. I have no idea how, but I did. There were so many people there and everyone would have been able to see my flying leap down the stairs had someone gracious and powerful not spared me what was working up to being the most embarrassing moment of my life.

But since I didn't get a new most embarrassing moment, I'll tell you about the reigning one. I used to be a part of a youth ministry that actually did some pretty good things in the community. We organized a clothing drive at RFK Stadium (the real home of the Redskins) on Saturday afternoon. It was a pretty big deal. A local radio station came out and broadcast from the event. Many of the people in the community came out and got some really nice things for absolutely free. (I can't tell you how hard it was to resist setting a couple of designer outfits with the tags still on aside for myself. I resisted. For the most part.)

Anyway, my job was to secure the venue. To do so I needed to meet with the head of the facilities department to request a permit to have the events on the grounds. The meeting had been scheduled for weeks and this was the most significant "meeting" I had ever really had in my 21 or so years. It was in the heat of July, so I was careful to pick the right outfit and make sure my hair was just right and everything else in place before I left. My bangs were not cooperating, so I threw one roller in them to make sure that by the time of the meeting every hair fell just perfectly.

I got to the stadium and met with Mr. Brown. Everything went splendidly. He was very supportive of our event and gladly passed me a contract to sign. We hammered out all of the details regarding times, power supply, permits, etc. He was a really nice guy. We joked about quite a few things (I can't remember what now) and then he walked me to my car. I was supposed to call him back with one detail I couldn't answer during the meeting, so I assured him that I'd get back to him before close of business.

I got in the car and breathed a sigh of relief, because this event all hinged on this permit. This guy could make or break our event and it was up to me to convince him to let these kids to put on their "do-gooder" production in the stadium parking lot. I managed and I was both proud and relieved. When I got home I ran upstairs to my bedroom and picked up the phone to call my boyfriend at the time (ministry director and yes, the ex) to tell him the good news. While I was talking to him something in the mirror caught my eye. Something about my reflection that was just not right. In fact, it was yellow. Bright yellow. A bright yellow HAIR ROLLER. The damn roller was still in my hair. I had completely forgotten to take it out so that the bangs could fall just right. I wanted to die!!!!

What was worse was that I still needed to call Mr. Brown back. I think he called me before I could get up the nerve to call him. We settled whatever the remaining issue was and.... oh, I remember what we were joking about now... We were joking about him wanting to meet a representative from our organization face to face because he has had too many "ghetto" events and he wasn't looking forward to another one. Well, when we finished our business I asked him how and why he didn't bother to mention that I had a FREAKING ROLLER in my hair, especially with all the conversation about ghetto-ness!! He laughed and said that he thought it was cute. I did not!! I'm so glad he had a sense of humor, but I was mortified.

I've yet to top that one.

Wanna share embarrassing moments?

What's Your Sign?

I have not had anything interesting to talk about recently. The problem isn't a dearth of ideas actually. It's that I can't really write about the stuff that's been on my mind. Get your filthy minds out of the gutter! I don't want to write about that. But I am avoiding a particular topic for the moment because I have to. It's times like this that make me wish this blog was anonymous.

So, I have to figure out how to think past the stuff that is really preoccupying my thoughts.

Oh, here's a subject: the Zodiac.

Hey, Girl. What's your sign?

I have recently become a little smitten with astrology. I'm still not sure what I really think about it all. For the majority of my life I was conditioned that astrology was akin to the Antichrist, that it was occultic. I was taught that I had to renounce my "spiritual ties" that were formed with "the dark side" as a result of merely reading my horoscope even once ever in life. I think I probably even got olive oil on my forehead over this one. Geez!! I can't believe I used to be that kind of Christian. It would be terribly hilarious to me if it weren't so ridiculous and so ridiculously prevalent. *Sigh*

Anyway, I'm really amazed by how squarely "on the head" the descriptions of Gemini hit it. I have read so much that is me to a T. [Long pause............ my ADD took me to google to find out where "to a T" came from. Nobody knows for sure, bottom line. Now on with the post.......] Sometimes the descriptions are even more accurate than I could have written myself, and I tend to be at the very least as introspective as the average bear.

I receive daily horoscope emails. What? Shut up! Your mama's pathetic!! [sticks out tongue] For about five or six days a couple of weeks ago, those things were so on it I had to forward them to a friend for an objective opinion. It was absolutely freaky. The horoscopes are the least intriguing part of the entire discipline. I'm much more amazed by how spot on the descriptions of each sign seem to be for me and for so many people I know. Of course there are many exceptions, but not enough to disqualify it for me just yet. There's something to. I may never put my finger on it, but there's something there. I may have to chalk it up to one of the many mysteries of the universe, but it's intriguing nonetheless.

So, do you know anything about astrology? What's your sign? Have you ever researched what astrologers say about your sign? Is it accurate? Close? Way off?

Never read about yourself and want to? Go here. I'm sure there are probably better sites. Let me know if you have one, but this will get you started.

Oh, and then there's the whole deal with compatibility and sexuality in this astrological light. Hmmm?

What do you guys think?

Let's Get Cookin'

I'm sure everyone has probably decided what they're cooking for Thursday, or at least how they're getting out of cooking. Congratulations and good eats! I'm making 2 kinds of cranberry sauce. One is pretty traditional, the other is spicy and involves port and pecans. It's a creation all my own. I'll let you know if I'm the only one who eats it. But, believe it or not, I'm on to Christmas.

Remember I said that I was going to give baked goods for gifts this year? Well, I went out yesterday just to peruse the retail world to see what non-food goodies caught my eye for the people I love the most. I've come to the conclusion, once again, that I love people way more than my bank account can support. So, I'm back to the baking idea. I hadn't abandoned it; I just thought that maybe I could throw in a few extras. Well, no! I can't.

So, off to Cakes Plus to pick up my special holiday kitchen essentials. I bought the cutest miniature tart pans and 6 inch spring-form cake pans. I also bought mini muffin tins and loaf pans and the best gift containers that can be kept and used over and over again. I had a blast and I'm going to have so much fun baking. I love to cook for people I love. I spent quite a bit of money, but it didn't come close to 1/3 of the price of just ONE of the gifts I'd love to be able to give this year. [Sigh] One year money will be no object for me at Christmastime. One day.

Anyways, do you want to know what I've decided on so far? I'll tell you, but first let me warn you...I don't like most things traditional and expected. So, no Christmas symbol shaped cut outs, no gingerbread men, and no boring sugar cookies. I'm sorry. If you were hoping to get any of those, please let me direct you to the refrigerated section of your local grocer. I'll bet you'll find what you need.

On to the list...

1. Cranberry-Orange Muffins (requested)
2. Italian Fig Cookies
3. Pistachio Lime Cookies
4. Dark Chocolate Chipotle Cookies (for a friend who loves that sweet/spicy combination, like me!)
   
5. Pecan-Praline Lace Cookies
   
6. Chocolate Hazelnut Tartlettes
7. Jam Thumbprints (because they're my favorites)
   
8. Nestle Tollhouse Chocolate Chip Cookies (because they're Santa's favorites)
   
9. Oatmeal Butterscotch Cookies (with and without pecans) (because they kick ass)
   
10. Mixed Fruit Tartlettes (I thought somebody requested these, and I think I know who, but I didn't see her comment at the old post. Maybe I'm imagining it. Speak up if you asked for this, otherwise somebody's gonna get them and be like, what the..?)
11. Oreo Cheesecake (requested)
    
12. The BEST Carrot Cake in the World (Nobody requested this, but it's the best, so somebody's gotta eat it. Besides, I've got to use that cute little pan for something.)

So that's what I'm thinking of so far. Not too many folks took me up on my solicitation of requests, so I hope you like what other people requested. Here's your last chance to either chime in on these, or let me know what else you like.

What do you think?

I'm excited to start. I might need to try out my tartlette pans with something extra for Thursday. We'll see.

Top 20 Things I Hate

I think people are often most easily defined by what they hate. I know that's a negative way to view the world, but it's true. What you hate tells me so much more about you than what you love. If you love cats, that's great, but you might love dogs too. If you tell me you HATE cats, I know where you stand...and since you're being so emphatic, if you hated dogs, you would have told me that too, in the same breath.

So, here's 20 tidbits about me. 20 things I HATE:

20. Funerals: There's no need for dead bodies to be on display. None. I think this is archaic and stupid. I hate the idea. I always have. I tolerate it for people I love, but no. We've evolved.

19. My period: No explanation needed.

18. Being manipulated: I need people to just shoot straight from the hip with me. I don't have time for mind games. Say, "I'm a selfish bastard and I just want this to go MY way!" I'll say it to YOU.

17. Missing the VERY beginning of a movie: This makes me so mad I want to spit nails. Then, I'm so pissed at whoever made me miss it, that I miss the next 10 minutes thinking of how much I hate them, and the next 20 trying to figure what the hell's going on. Movies must be seen from the opening credits. Otherwise, I don't want to watch. Period.

16. Cartoon Network: Hate it. Not even the old "good" cartoons are anything I want to see in my adult life. Ever. I don't even want the happy, fighting, ninja, shape-shifter, squarepants images flickering in the background while I'm doing something more...adult!

15. Men who come up BEHIND you to dance: WTF? I didn't grow up going to clubs and the like. I only go out dancing on occasion, and that's usually salsa. I like dancing where people are facing each other, where there's a lead and a follower. I don't like having crotch rubbed on my ass. (Not unless I asked you to.)

14. Chocolate and mint together: Who in the world thought this was a good idea??? The smells combined make me want to wretch. Yuk!! Somehow I brought myself to try a Thin Mint, you know, the Girl Scout cookie. It wasn't too bad. But Andes Candies and York Peppermint Patties are down the toilet with mint chocolate-chip ice cream.

13. Bugs: Duh?

12. Booger-eating (or snot-licking): Nothing will make me snatch your kid up quicker. This is disgusting. I have no tolerance for it. I will throw up in your child's lap. Trust. I can't even discuss adults who do it.

11. Crusty, cracked heels: Because there's NO reason for it. None.

10. Black and white TV and movies: Again, evolution.

9. Entitlement: In all its forms. I hate it in the corporate board room...I hate it among the indignant in social services offices.

8. Sunny Delight:Orange-milk!! Yuk. And the red is Blood-milk. Gross!

7. Hospital smell: See the thing about hospitals is that I can't help fixating on exactly what that combination of smells is comprised of. Is it blood, urine and tuna casserole? Is it feces, vomitus and chicken noodle soup? What is it?

6. Frilly head bands on bald baby girls: Look, your baby has no hair. The head band is to hold the hair (which your baby lacks) out of baby's face. It looks stupid. We know she's a girl by the matching dress that came with the head band. Lose it.

5. Asian mushrooms: I know most mushrooms are probably Asian, but I specifically mean the ones that look like little penis heads, pictured above.

4. House and Techno music: Just shoot me now and plan my body-less funeral...that you're all welcome to skip, by the way.

3. Liquid Medicine: I almost threw up in my lap on the way to work this morning because remnants of my liquid vitamin were still on my top lip. When I caught a whiff I got hot, started salivating profusely. I think I swallowed 97 times in 2 minutes to keep from throwing up down my shirt. What do women do when they have morning sickness? Drive in after they finish wretching?

2. Star Trek: Not even as background noise. I will awaken from the persistent vegetative state I've been in for 10 years to turn off Star Trek.

1. Assholes who mistreat other people: That just wraps up so much in a nutshell. I hate people who violate, abuse, take advantage of, manipulate, harass or are just generally mean to others. It's just wrong.

So, what about you? Make this a meme if you like. I won't tag anyone in particular, except Andy, but if you do post your top 20 or 5 or whatever, link back here so that we can all read them.

Have a great day!

Awake....Thinking of Christmas

I have joined the ranks of my most beloved insomniacs.

I planned to start going to the gym at 5:30am this week, but I can't fall asleep. I fell asleep at 3am yesterday, so the gym was out and I'm wide awake now at 1 am. I need to sleep so that I can get up early, but my body's not making the switch!!! I may just have to stay up all night so that I conk out at 9:30pm tomorrow to get on my new schedule.

Christmas shopping! I've been browsing Amazon.com tonight for good buys on gifts. I'm not in the mood for Black Friday or any day thereafter. But, I'm so amazingly frugal, that I can't bear that I know I can buy some of the gifts I have my eyes on for cheaper if I just go search out the bargain.

I'm off all next week. I'm going to buy my very first, very own Christmas tree. I'm really excited. There's no compromise. I get to buy what I want and I don't have to take anybody else into consideration... But then, there's Christmas morning. I have never, ever, ever awaken in an empty house on Christmas Day. I climbed into my mom and dad's bed to wake them up so that we could go downstairs and open presents every year of my life until I was 24!!! What am I going to do? I can't wake up alone in my apartment on Christmas morning. That's not going to work. I may have to go home and wake up with Mommy and Daddy like I did last year (except I was living there last year).

Tell me about your holiday doings? Do you shop early? Are you done? Waiting until Christmas eve? Don't do Christmas? Bah, Humbug? Open gifts on 24th pm? 25th am? Read The Night Before Christmas? Luke 2? Egg nog? Hot buttered rum? Cider? Secret Santa? Buy for the whole family? I want to hear it all. So tell me already!

Here are some things I expect to see every Christmas morning.




My folks always make a huge fruit basket, always while we're sleeping, always with a pineapple in the middle, all kinds of nuts, tangerines and Christmas candies...especially red and green peanut M&Ms, the house favorite. And there's always, always a poinsettia. Even with the dogs. That's a myth.

More questions: Did you believe in Santa? Do you still? Was he taboo? A sin? Satan? Do you let your kids have Santa? My friend's 4 year old still calls him "the boy". She has no idea who he is. Not because my friend is withholding him...she's just trying to buy as much time as she possibly can. I think the cat's outta the bag this year...at least if I have anything to do with it.

Latkes!! I associate those with Christmas too, although I know they're Jewish, so that's just wrong. I love them. This came from celebrating all of the winter holidays with my students when I taught 1st and 2nd grade. I love all the traditions. Anybody know how to play Dradle? What about the words to the song?

Cannabis

When I was in 5th grade we had a subsitute teacher named Mr. Cannabis. Now, I can't tell you if that's how he spelled his name or not, but I do remember that that was his name. I also remember that none of us ever noticed that at the time.

...Like my dad. He was walking around sporting this brand new belt he'd bought himself. He was proud of the great buy (like 5 bucks or something), but the buckle was a big ol' weed leaf!! Straight cannabis! My dad is an HR director for a swanky retirement community, people!! Here went our conversation:

Dad, do you know what that is on your belt buckle?

Huh? I don't know. I just needed a new belt, so I bought this one.

Dad, it's weed!! (Doubling over laughing at this point as I realize he really has no clue.)

Oh, well, I didn't know.

Obviously. I need you to get another belt. You can't be walking around with weed on your belt.


I then took him to my laptop and Google Imaged "cannabis" so that he could see for himself. He seemed like he still needed convincing.

Fast forward to Monday...

I went to meet him at his job for lunch. He has 200 employees where he works, many of them are young...and know what the hell weed is when they see it. I looked down at his belt buckle and there was a hole where the weed emblem used to screw in.

So, I see you got rid of the weed leaf?

Yeah, all the young kids were comin' up to me, giving me five and winking at me, going, "Yeah, Mr. F."

I'm glad you got rid of it.

Mental note: Daddy needs a belt for Christmas.

Nothing Important

So, today...

1. I am so glad so many people went to the polls Tuesday. I don't care about the results (at least not in a way I want to talk about here) but I'm glad so many Americans participated. Yay, Us!!

2. I'm breaking out in hives again. At first I thought I had connected it to stress, but now I'm thinking it's the combination of stress and caffeine that does me in. Coffee is evil. Drink green tea! The hives were so bad I scratched my left butt cheek raw and have skin peeling from it. TMI, I know. But I need you to feel my pain.

3. I really like red wine. I wasn't much of a connoisseur before, but I'm getting better at picking good ones. I bought the $19 Chianti at this St. Louis hotel, because it's the cheapest. I'd rather drink communion wine, I think. Bottoms up, though!

4. www.dictionary.com is my friend. Spell check in Blogger sucks butt.

5. I want to click my heals 3 times and make my hotel bed teleport to my apartment. I wish it were home...I wish it were home....I wish it were home.

6. I'm studying for the LSAT. I take it in February. I think I finally know what I want to be when I grow up.

7. I am feeling a lot better recently about where I am in figuring out my whole faith thingy. Check out Unpacking Faith for updates. Shameless plug, I know, for my other neglected blog.

8. I have met some really great people this year in Blogdom. I used to think people with "computer friends" were whacko. Maybe they are. Maybe I am!

9. The holidays are coming! Yay! I don't really know what I'm so excited about. There's bound to be family drama where one person, or several, will avoid the gathering because someone else, or some issue, will be present. I think I've done the best job of pissing off the fam this year. Maybe I should be the one to sit it out. Meh, probably not. Why is it that I enjoy the holidays again?

10. Anybody have any exceptional cookie recipes? I've got the Toll House one. Thanks.

11. I'm not feeling St. Louis. What's with all the grillz? I thought I was in the ATL or something. The funny thing is one of these dudes with a grill brought me my wine last night and had a completely intelligent conversation with me about wine. Why did he have to have gold on all 8 of his teeth?

Let's Vote Already

I am so sick of campaign commercials. I can't wait for Tuesday at 8pm when the polls are closed finally, and the results start to roll in.

I am absolutely addicted to historical turning points. I watched the news for 3 days when September 11th happened; stayed up all night long to watch the Dubya Florida mess; and although I will be in St. Louis the night the election results roll in (and therefore unable to catch things from my local news perspective) I will still be glued to the tube to see how things turn out.

But I'm tired of the campaigning already.

Everyone's going to vote on Tuesday, right?

Writer's Block....Help!!! I WILL BE UPDATING FREQUENTLY

All of my brain power is going towards mulling over a really, really difficult decision. I'm not feeling funny, witty or even sarcastic or cynical. That SUCKS!!! I feel like I'm being pulled in a hundred different directions, trying to make ends meet and that's sucking too.

So, would you help me lighten it up a bit? I'm sure I have something Lexish to say about something, but I'm at a loss. Prime the pump for me, eh? Suggest things in my comments for me to sound off about. Or otherwise, just tell me something funny to lighten up my mood. I'm doing too many grown-up things right now. And that's no fun!!

UPDATES:

Christina has shaken me out of my funk already. Read her comment to this post.

Here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to add the ideas that are suggested here in the post so that you don't kill yourself reading through the comments.

1. Ladies, (or guys) what do you think about dating younger men? I mean really younger ones? I've been thinking about this as I approach that 38-40 something prime time we're supposed to go through? Thoughts? Any anecdotes on what happens to a woman's labido at that magical time?
   

Self-Psychoanalytical Crapola

It’s really difficult for me to realize how out of control I am while I’m out of control. Once I regain control and have settled down a bit, it becomes very apparent, even scary.

This is more on my battle with controlling my weight. I have had some very encouraging, long awaited success in this area over the last month. I even started another blog, Fine Tuning, without letting most of you know, to document my progress. I feel so much better and better about myself, partly because I’m losing weight, but mostly because I feel like I’m regaining some control over this part of my life.

I think lots of people are emotional eaters. I know I tend to eat to distract myself from other things that really probably should have my attention. I eat when I feel like there’s nothing I can do about a situation. I eat socially to lift my spirits. I eat brownies and the like for comfort. I love good food, but it’s more than that. Food makes me feel better and just like anything else we use to make ourselves feel better, it can get out of control.

When my trainer first suggested limiting my calories to 1500 a day I told her she was crazy. I’d starve to death. I didn’t even try it. I just decided that there was no way I could do that and that I’d have to find another way to lose weight. I started working out without changing what I was eating, to no avail. Since October 9^th I’ve been counting calories on The Daily Plate and not really working out at all. I want to work out, but I’ve been crazy busy since I picked up the second job teaching. I’ve lost 5.6 pounds so far.

I’m realizing how totally out of control I was. I had no will power and quite frankly I didn’t even want it. I wanted to eat to comfort myself, so I didn’t really want to have the ability to resist what I was using to make myself feel better. Now that I can look at food I’d love to eat and make a rational assessment of whether or not it’s a good idea, I feel accomplished. I feel like the pendulum is starting to settle in the middle. I’ll explain.

I gained a lot of weight in my marriage, about 50 pounds over 6.5 years. I gained and lost in that period, but when I left I was just about 50 pounds heavier than when I married. Since I left I gained another 22 pounds, in 18 months. This just occurred to me this very moment. I’ve really been using food to cope with this whole separation/divorce thing without really realizing it. After I reached a certain weight, I just stopped paying attention. I chose to be in denial because I didn’t want to realize what I was doing.

So, the pendulum. A pendulum swings from one extreme to the other and then settles in the middle. While I feel like leaving my marriage and making some choices about healing some relationships while letting others go has been taking control over important areas of my life, the pendulum had swung to the other extreme with regards to how I’m coping with the stress of this divorce. I feel like it’s settling a bit now. I’m acknowledging how stressed I am and doing things to help with that, and I feel like now I can stop depending on food to help with this. I hate these self-psychoanalytical posts, but it helps me see myself better.

Are there still areas of my life I am not happy about? Yep. Are there still things I’m doing to avoid some emotions or fears that may be lurking just beneath the surface? Almost certainly. Are there areas in my life where I’m just wildin’ out because I can? Yep. Is that a reactionary symptom to all of the constraints on the other end of the pendulum (read: the church)? Yep.

And I know this, man!

Penance

To everyone I have ever interrupted, loud talked or talked over…

To everyone to whom I’ve ever come off as if I absolutely know it all…

To everyone whose conversations I have butted into uninvited…

To everyone upon whom I’ve tried to impose my whack-ass views as if they were truth…

To everyone who has considered me an absolute annoying ass for any other reason…

I am so incredibly sorry.

Please forgive me. Tell me how many "Hail Mary’s" and "Our Father’s" I must say to absolve myself. How much chicken blood must I drink? How many candles must I light? Poor people must I feed?

Tell me. I’ll do it. I’ll do anything to be delivered of the HELL I am enduring in my office with this new attorney.

If this is Karma, reaping what I’ve sown, divine punishment of some other kind, please let me know what I must do to FIX IT so that the retribution ends!

Please!!!

Finally Got Some Sleep

Ah. I haven't been able to post all week. That's just not like me. This week has been a shock to my system. I usually work from 10-6, but this week I've had early morning meetings, usually requiring me to leave the house before 7:30, and my whole schedule is thrown off.

I'm a night owl, so it's really hard for me to go to sleep before Letterman. (Funny, I don't even watch him that much, but it kinda marks time, ya know?) So, I end up staying awake until 12 or 1 and needing to be up by 6:45 at the latest. I am NOT one of those people who can function on 5 or 6 hours of sleep, not anymore. I need a full 8 and 10 is even better!

I got a good night's sleep last night 11:30-9am. I'm set for my day.

Tell me about you? Are you a morning person? A night owl? How much sleep do you need at night? (and, include your age, because that makes such a difference, I'm convinced.)

More later I hope. Since I'm awake now and can think...

Stress-Free Weekend

Friday at 6pm I declared the weekend my Stress-Free, Non-Crisis, Non-Drama weekend. I vowed that if anyone called me and wanted to talk about any crisis, anything dysfunctional, broken or stressful I would ask them to leave me a voicemail and I'll address it on Monday. Yes, I was at another one of those points where I realized that the stress my work, combined with the stress of my life was becoming a lethal concoction and I needed a big old reprieve. I got it.

I called a friend after work Friday, and I could tell by her tone that this was gearing to be one of those conversations. I informed her of the reprieve before she got started. She understands my need for a break, but I could hear the underlying pout. Oh well? There's always Monday. Isn't it funny how if you neglect someone's "crisis" for a couple of days, when you come back to it they seem to realize how non-crisis it really was?

So, you wanna know how badly I needed this break? I had my massage appointment Saturday at noon. The massage therapist was, well...Moses (so much for my burning hunk of love rubbing me down), but he was great. His name is Tom. His specialty is intense massage to correct problem areas. He used a method called myofascial release. Since I identified my neck and shoulders as a problem area, this is what we focused on in this session. So, no, not the relaxing soothing, I'm gonna fall asleep massage I was expecting, but good in a different way.

First of all, Tom politely informed me that he has rarely had the opportunity to work on anyone with as much tension as I have in my neck and shoulders. Super!! I'm a special case stress bag. He worked on my neck and shoulders for about 45 minutes of the hour and after all of that stretching and pressure, the muscles in the right side released, but those buggers on the left side, that's causing all the problems and the headaches, wouldn't let go. He suggested that often this type of tension is emotional, but the good thing is that I'm young and trying to learn how to release this stuff now. Let me tell you, if I didn't realize anything else from this session, I surely get how stress will kill you. It sets up shop in your body and does a number on it. I'm more committed than ever to reducing the stress in my life and taking care of my body.

He also asked me if I dragged one foot when I walked. I hadn't really thought about it, but when he mentioned it, I recalled that I always get "flip-flop drag" on the right side, not the left. Well, that's because my right hip is 2 whole inches lower than the left!!! Again, it's muscular as well, tension on the left side. That's where ex used to sleep. I wonder if that's what this left side deal is all about? Anyway, we'll start working on that in the next session and spend some time trying to get this left shoulder to release. I felt great afterwards and I swear my shoulders are at least 2 inches further from my ears than they were that morning.

It was such a beautiful fall day in MD yesterday that I decided I wanted to be outside. There's a trail near my house that is 4.5 miles to this lake in a neighboring town. Last Saturday I walked to the lake with a friend and then his wife came to pick us up on the other end. Yesterday I went with my sister-in-law and we walked back as well. Yep. 9 miles yesterday. I feel it today, but it's not too bad. It helped me decompress some more and it was so beautiful and crisp outside. This jump-stared my fitness program big time. LOL.

The rest of my day yesterday, after a loooooong hot shower, was spent in my most favorite way: in my apartment naked. Doesn't get much better than that. And yes, I did buy more baby oil gel, so I'm smooth again too.

I slept until noon today. A couple of trips to the bathroom assured me that yes, indeed, I hiked 9 miles yesterday. I used the excuse that sleep helps muscles repair themselves to stay in the bed longer. It was glorious.

Not yet sure what today holds. It's another glorious, beautiful crisp autumn day. I should probably take my warm clothes out of the storage closet.

Methinks Operation Stress-Free Weekend has been a success!!

...But I'm Soft!!!

I don't want to take a shower today. No, I'm not reverting to when I was 9 and would just sit on the side of the tub and make swishy noises like I was bathing. I have a dilemma.

I like soft, silky skin. And I love steaming hot showers. The two are not compatible, unless I use my silky skin guarantee-er: Johnson and Johnson's Baby Oil Gel (Lavender). After a shower I moisturize my entire body with the gel and THEN dry off. It's the perfect way to stay silky and moisturized all day long.

Well, I'm out!! I've been out for about a week and I've been using alternatives that just aren't as good. I've added liquid baby oil to lotion. Plain lotion just does NOT do it. Ever. I've used my organic almond oil. And even in combination with my non-drying peppermint castille soap, it's not the same.

I didn't shower yesterday either. I just squatted in the tub with the removable shower head and took care of the important places. OK. Ho bath! Call it what you wanna. But my skin is still soft.

I need to go to the store today for more gel. I hate itchy dry skin and it's inevitably what I'll have if I wash this two day build-up of natural oils off of my skin today.

But I smell fine. Really, I do.

Unabridged

This is a long long post, but it's probably the most transparent I've been on this blog. Grab a beer or read the next blog.

I started this blog because it was a place for me to get thoughts out of my head into a place where I can process them, hopefully with other people. A lot was happening and changing in my life and I am still very much sifting my way through the rubble of the life I used to know. I am slowly but surely coming into awareness of me and I feel like much of the past is healing, or that I’m at least making progress toward that end.

I have written about random pieces of that process, but I have avoided, in different ways (sarcasm, cynicism, ambiguity, etc.), much of what I’ve been trying to work on, what I am working on, and what I yet continue to avoid. I am often worried that since many people who know me read this, I should not say what is really on my mind. I can’t continue to live my life (or blog) based on others’ opinions of me. So, here’s more of a peek into my world:

I realized that my marriage was coming to an end in February of 2003. On Valentine’s Day morning (around 6:30am), my husband walked into our house with no explanation of why he hadn’t come home the night before. He was annoyed by my questions about his whereabouts. He showered, got dressed and left again to run his errands for the day. I knew it needed to end. This had been going on for far too long: the lies, the unexplained absences, the missing money. I kept quiet about it for so many reasons, the biggest of them—his church.

My husband was also my pastor. We had a small, independent, non-denominational church. He started the church 2 years before we married, and once we were married I was ordained as the assistant pastor. This church was his baby. He worked full-time as a truck driver, so for the 1st 2 years of our marriage he was out of town a lot. Much of the responsibility of the church fell on my shoulders. I loved much of what I did. But there came a point when I would lie in bed at night and fantasize about what it would be like to have my life back—what it would be like to not have this church.

We would kick the idea around between the two of us at different points of frustration. Church is a co-dependent's amusement park. There’s always someone to fulfill your need to be needed. We would get overwhelmed at different times, but most of the time I just wanted it to all go away. Besides, I had other problems, my husband’s integrity.

It bothered me that his integrity affected his work at church, but that was secondary to me. First and foremost, he made a vow to me. A vow I knew he was breaking, on so many levels.

I had become, in many respects, quite indispensable in the church. Many congregants remained members, despite their frustrations with him, because of me. This is not self-aggrandizement. That’s not my style. I make this comment purely based on the responses I would get when I would ask people why they continued to come to our church if they had so many problems with him.

I buried my problems in theirs. I threw myself into planning retreats, seminars, bible studies and small groups to address the needs of these people. Inevitably, from time to time, my own misery would leak through my façade, but for the most part, I sacrificed myself and my wellness for everyone else(else’s).

I knew that if I were to leave my marriage a few things would be true:

1. I’d need support.
2. I’d need therapy.
3. The congregation would leave.
4. I’d have to be willing to tell myself the truth, the whole truth about my life up to the very present moment.

It was a difficult journey, but with the help of a handful of great friends, a great therapist and some really hard emotional work and millions and millions of tears I got strong enough to leave. I went back after a week or two.

After more planning, growing, healing and realizing that things weren’t going to change, no matter how much he told me they would, I left for good. I’ve been gone 18 months. I’m hoping the divorce will be final soon.

Between February 2003 and today I’ve had to face some funky stuff about myself and my past. I knew that the day I walked into the therapist’s office was the day I would have to tell myself the truth about being sexually abused as a child, about how that played out in my teen years and my early adult years, about those things in my childhood that factored into that abuse and about how all of these wonderful things led me to deciding to marry when and who I did. I’m an all or nothing kinda gal, so I knew I wasn’t paying for therapy to shuck and jive. It was showtime.

Showtime was painful. It made me angry, really angry, with a lot of people in my life. I have moved past a lot of that anger. I’m over being angry at him. I’m over being angry at my parents. I’m over being angry at my abusers. I’m working on my relationship with my parents. I am willing to be amicable about this divorce and the abusers are where they belong, in the past. But there’s one area that is still painfully raw and incensed—the church and anyone associated with it.

I feel like when I decided to leave I had mixed levels of support. That was to be expected. What I didn’t expect was the degree to which I was still expected to be involved with taking care of the parishioners while my little world was falling apart.
I’ve been criticized harshly by some people I considered to be dear friends for failing them when I decided to leave my marriage. My understanding of their frustration is that they didn’t seem to understand why leaving him meant that I effectively ended my relationship with them as well.

I’ve gone back and forth about feeling guilty about this, but ultimately here’s where I am. I gave them 9 years of my life while I was slowly dying inside. I poured all I had into them, because I didn’t give myself permission to address my own needs. Convinced that that would have been selfish, I bled and almost died. Leaving my marriage and the church was the most loving thing I’d done for myself in my adult life. I feel like I’ve cut myself free of something that was, directly or indirectly, sucking the life blood from me.

Now, that has meant that I’ve missed weddings, baby showers, housewarmings and the like because I just do not want to be reminded of the past. I don’t want to try to find a new context for these friendships, since I have moved beyond the person they knew me as. I don’t want to explain myself. I really don’t want to answer the, “So, where are you going to church now” question; or worse explain why I’m not and why that’s not likely in the near future.

I have maintained a friend or two who stay connected with this group, but I am not there yet. I don’t know if I ever will be.

I can look back over the last 3 years and see so many places I’ve healed and grown. I have hope that my feelings about church (in general) and this church and these people in people will soon find their place in my rearview mirror. But I am so not there yet.

I may have to just send flowers and a card to a dear friend who lost her brother Friday. Before I started writing this, I thought that was selfish of me. If it’s all I can do, it’s all I can do. I’ve done what others thought I should do for too much of my life. I’m sorry I can’t be there. But, if I can’t be there and be present, I shouldn’t be there. I’m done lying to myself.

My New Bedfellow

Meet GOSA FAST, the ergonomic pillow from IKEA. It is my new lover. It held me gently, pefectly cradling my neck as I slept like a baby last night. It was such a contrast with the sleepless, painful night I had the night before.

Who knew the perfect pillow could bring an end to suffering? Everyone needs one. It's the perfect bedfellow, for only $17.99.

I'm wondering if this neck pain is muscular or a pinched nerve. It tends to come back towards the end of the day, when I've been sitting at my computer for hours.

Well, tonight I will again sleep with my new lover. I've found a keeper.

My Book Nook

aka: The Lex Café

This is the most coveted seat in my little apartment. See how bare my walls are? Must fix that. Soon.

My Hap Happiest Season of All

Tomorrow is Friday! The weekend cometh. Yay!!

Weeks seem to fly by these days. October's half gone folks. I feel like I just said this about September. It's going to be the holidays in no time.

I love the holidays. I love cooking and eating with the people you love. I swear, for me, it's one of life's greatest pleasures.

I'm thinking of giving baked goods as gifts again this year. I haven't done it in ages. I would love to shop and find the perfect gift for everyone I love, but who has money for that? I certainly don't. And, since my home and my kitchen are my favorite spots on the planet at the moment, I'm thinking I'll spend some time there. I'll throw all of my love into my tiny delectable creations.

I'll use the book nook in my little apartment to cuddle up and do some recipe searching over the next couple of months. If you've got a preference (and are presumptuous enough to think I'd give you a holiday gift) let me know what you'd like. I'll take requests.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas...la, la, la, la, la.

Oh shut up! Halloween will be over before you blink.

Doctor, Doctor!

So, today I got a new doctor and I love him. Thanks, Fresh, for the idea.

I made the appointment for the massage. I also called and found a new PCP just next door to work. I thought I’d get another quack since I’m refusing to move out of a 3 mile radius from work, but I lucked out. He actually took my health history, took a urine sample, scheduled blood work, “checked” everything – eyes, arms, legs, neck. He asked about everything under the sun, including my ideas about pharmaceuticals. He wasn’t opposed to my opposition to them. His nurse even did an EKG and a lung function test.

After my very thorough examination, he concluded that my headaches are almost definitely tension headaches brought on my stress. (Stress? Me?) He offered to write me a prescription and when I scrunched up my face he suggested doubling up on my OTC pain relievers when I need them, plenty of water and exercise to relieve some of the stress.

He asked me about smoking and drinking. He’s Nigerian, so I didn’t understand when he asked me if I just drink wine or if I drink the hard stuff. When I was clear on what he was asking I laughed and said, “Let’s just say I like variety.” He laughed and didn’t look at me like I was crazy. Now, he does have a severe stuttering problem an he has a hard time making eye contact, but I like him over all.

We went back to his office to discuss my weight. He has a weight loss clinic, so I had asked about it. He shared his philosophy of using pharmaceuticals to get chronic cases under control quickly. We discussed my weight and where I should be ideally. Asked me about my eating habits and helped me commit to small changes (less carbs, more fruits and veggies and lots of water before and after meals). He encouraged more consistency with my exercise regimen and said to let him know how I’m doing in a month. If there’s no change with these changes, then he’ll start talking to me about other options.

When we were done he asked if I had anything else I wanted to discuss with him, any other concerns. I told him no. He reviewed my EKG, lung function test and urinalysis with me. Said they were all fine. We’d get the blood work done on Thursday.

Now, THAT’s what health insurance buys!!